Stars In Rags; The House Of Nwocha Shitshow Edition

1. Hey there, I’m IK, king of awkwardness & this is Juliet & together we’ll be making some of the CRAPPIEST MUSIC YOU’LL EVER HERE
2. Ugh, you again? Give up the crown already.
3. Your face scares me.
4. Awesome table cloth boo, really cute.
5. There are not enough words to describe how horrible this is.
6. Twice as trashy.
7. Is that an elastic waistband? Why can I see the outline of your underwear?? Why are you doing this to us???

OAP Toolz Is The Reason Why PhotoShop Crashed Today

If you’re wondering where all the photoshop in the world went, its on the promo pictures for season two of “The Juice”. Clueless? Its that snoozefest of a show where she asks “celebrities” things we don’t need to know, tries to dance kukere (wtf?), flirts way too much with Burna Boy & gets obviously intimidated by Tonto Dike. And all this fuckery went down in season one.
Someone at ndani tv went all sorts of crazy with the photoshop & somehow managed to turn this wrecking ball into something that kinda looks like a human being.

New Music Alert! Juliet Ibrahim Ft. IK Ogbonna: Crayfish Music

For some reason that I have no interest whatsoever in learning, the awkward giraffe that is IK Ogbonna is making music with something called a Juliet Ibrahim. Y’all better get ready, this will be a whole new level of fuckery. I mean, you can barely pretend to act & now you’re gonna sing? And you’re gonna do it with an even worse actor? I’m sorry, but I’m not quite sure either of you thought this through.

50 Shades Of Delusion; The Maheeda Edition

You guys, what is it with Encomium magazine & their love for getting really shitty interviews? Today, its the sleazy, stripper wannabe that is Maheeda. She took time off the really tasking job that is posing like a dead shellfish on instagram to shit out these words of wisdom;
“I dont have a problem doing what I do but I think its because of my job”
(you have a job? Um? Tryna outdo Cossy Hoejiakor?)
“and I know most Christians would not understand. But I just believe that this is what I have to do to get attention”
(you gotta give this hoe credit, at least she’s honest about doing it for attention)
“especially when it comes to my job”
(bitch, if I hear you say ‘job’ one more time)
“and I just believe His grace is enough for me. He loves me more than my nakedness. If you see God as a father and he sees you as a daughter, He would not because of your nakedness want to ruin you or kill you. That is how I see God.”
(am I crazy or did you just say you know God?)
” He understands me. He hates me but he loves me at the same time”.
(Sorry I asked, obviously you do NOT know God)

To be honest, I really don’t care if you serve gods/dicks or whatever. All I want is more nude pictures & yes, I demand to see nipples.

Iyanya Somehow Manages To Ruin An Amazing Gesture With A Fugly Tattoo

Tattoos are usually pretty cool, unless you get them from a crappy artist or draw them yourself.
I’m all for remembering the dead & stuff, but what in hell’s name is that fugly mass of ink on Quasimodo’s body? Is it a bunch of snakes, a really twisted tree or a line of really deformed peens? I’m confused guys & I’m usually good at stuff like this.
Talk about good intentions gone bad.

Something To Get You Through The Night

Now, this works in two ways;
If bald, shirtless, wet, thirsty-looking, greasy, long-necked, all round disgusting apes are your thing, this should send you straight to cloud 9 & beyond. (I’d judge you, but I’m worse)
If not, get ready to puke your brains out & pass out till morning.
Um, let me remind y’all that I got nothing against nudity in any form, I’m just like if you’re gonna put it out there, you might wanna photoshop it a little? So I don’t have to bleach my eyes out each time I look at you?? Please???

When A Slut Can’t Find Her Vibrator

Ladies, have you ever got on a flight to another state or country, checked into your hotel room & suddenly realised you forgot your Idris Elba/ Denzel/ Bieber/ whatever you call it? (hey, I don’t judge)
You’d just have to suck it up & stay depressed till you can get another, right? WRONG! Not if you’re a slut named Hoeddah Monroe. You take pictures & share them online cuz that’s how trashy cumwhores do it. In the last picture, her eyes are basically screaming “free pussy here, get it while its HOT!”
Ugh, bitch, iono what you think you’re tryna do, but Maheeda did it first. So, PLEASE, feel free to take several seats.

In News Nobody Cares About; Kay Switch Made A Baby

Some really unlucky trick let the boring-er, shorter, less famous version of D’banj spread his man juice all over her lady bits & now they’re having a baby. Eew
He said this to Encomium magazine “Yes, it’s true. My girlfriend is pregnant. It really makes me feel like a man. We’ll get married one day, though I cannot disclose when now”
One pregnancy makes you feel like a man? Y’all better get on your knees & worship TuFace, he’s officially a god now.

In Which Saeon Convinces Me She And Uti Nwachukwu Are In A Fakelationship

You guys, Saeon is amazing! She has in a single interview managed to convince me that this thing with Uti is definitely FAKE. Not that I ever thought it was even remotely real.
She tells Punch:
“I don’t like to put my personal business out there.”
(I’m sorry, what? Why then are you giving this interview??)
“I have known Uti for a while and he was in my only video. I met him prior to shooting the video because he helped me to bring some of the things I used in the video from England. We started talking, hanging out and then this.”
(and then this? A fakelationship?? You’d think anyone in love would say ‘and then we fell in love. No?)
“We are in love and he is a very honest person and also genuine. People would always say things about him which obviously are not true but that would not stop him from being him. He is God-fearing, very funny and of course, good-looking. This affair is no publicity stunt;”
(yeah, right. Of course, it isn’t. LOL )
“even though I know Uti is a big brand and I am only an emerging brand.”

So basically, she doesn’t wanna talk about her love life, but she’s still gonna talk about it without actually telling us anything romantic they’ve done, instead she’ll just tell us how God-fearing, funny & whatever Uti is with zero excitement in her voice & end by stating that its not a publicity stunt???
I just weak.

Why Wild Animals Shouldn’t Use Twitter III

How dare anyone compare this drag queen to Whoopi Goldberg? You’re not a virgin & you’re not a slut, what are you? A tranny???
Grandma, you don’t tweetfight fans or haters, you put them in their place like Rihanna does or you ignore them.
To think EME dropped Skales & kept this nutjob. Why???

Stars In Rags; The Darey Concert Edition II

1. Hey there, my name is Gideon & I’ll be your waiter for tonight.
2. Vina – Ratchet much?
3. Ugh, who let the chimpanzees out?
4. Zaina – akwoche? or mosquito net??
5. Beverly – wtf hair?
6. Sweety, iono you, but you might wanna ease up? Standing at attention on a red carpet??

Fakelationship Alert: Uti Nwachukwu And Saeon

For some reason that is completely beyond me, these two pests are trying to convince us that they’re dating. LOL. Now stare at the pictures below & notice how there’s absolutely zero chemistry between them. They both look like they’d rather be anywhere else than with each other.
Being the benevolent human that I am, ill give you two some tips, actually one tip; if you’re gonna fake a relationship, give us something to work with, a sextape maybe? I’m just saying, go hard or DIE bitches!