Someone Please Explain Why Iyanya Won’t Shut Up

For some reason that is completely beyond me, Quasimodo gave an interview to iCampus Magazine (yeah, never heard of it too) & you guys!, this is the best thing I’ve read this entire year. There’s just such immense fuckery in this, I can’t decide where to start. I’ll just skip to the juiciest quotes.
“They abuse you and when you abuse them back it becomes an issue.”
Um, I think you mean “insult”?

“You don’t want to know the things I ignore. If I check my twitter now, someone is abusing me. We have never met but they are abusing me.”
You’re about to weep cuz people are mean to you on twitter? Nigga, get off twitter.

“Sometimes I am single; sometimes I’m in a relationship. You fit see me tomorrow and I go tell you say, “Oh boy, I don break up oh.” I fit wake up say I no do again. Then next tomorrow, I can be in a relationship.”
Ok, so you’re a serial dater? We did NOT need to know that, but it’s cool.

“I’m after the money. My problem is to make money and have like 20 houses in this Lagos – Island and Mainland. I want house for London, everywhere, so when people talk too much, I go just comot go my house for London go chill.”
LOL. Money miss road. If all you want money for is to buy houses, you either have a really weird house fetish or you’re crazy.

“I feel like you can just watch a Nollywood movie that you have never seen or heard of and tell the way it’s going to end before it does.”
This is the ONLY sensible line in this entire interview.

“But trust me; if any director partners with me to do a movie, it will be awesome.”
Awesomely boring you mean? Really though? Have you not learnt anything from Genny, Omotola & Tonto Decay?? STAY IN YOUR LANE. Ugh.

“Ehn.. person go dey inside studio dey hustle hard to do music make una happy.”
Make una happy? I’m sorry, what?? Please, keep your music. We DON’T want. How is it even possible for you to contradict yourself like this? One minute, you’re doing this all for the money, the next, it’s to make us happy. Um, so, can you hear yourself?

“You go manage gather 1500 or even pay BIS for one week dey abuse person wey dey hustle. It’s not kool. They should try to understand…”
I will never get why all Nigerian “celebs” assume anyone who attacks them online is doing so from a blackberry. No, we do not all use blackberries. Some of us use androids & iPhones too. Shut up already.

And the juiciest part;
“Later I go see am for twitter that Iyanya said he will do a sex scene with Yvonne Nelson then the girl go come dey talk nonsense on top Twitter. Abeg oh!”
Let me get this, you’re afraid Yvonne will trash talk you on twitter, so you’re just gonna do it first & trash talk her on paper. How smart of you! Where is your PR team? And why are they letting you do this?

It’s official you guys, the Iyanya and Yvonne Nelson sextape of my dreams will probably never happen. I always hoped they’d reunite & give us something to live for. If you need me, I’ll be in the corner mourning the loss of yet another sextape. Over to you FLAVOUR & DILLISH.


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