All posts by lindanotikeji

Voodoo Queen

RIP To The True Stars Of Nollywood

Its a sad day in nollywood for two of the purest, most holy, pristine souls to ever grace our tv screens are waving us goodbye. In news that’ll probably ruin your day, the delicate, exquisitely cut diamond that is Afrocandy is uprooting her implants.

I always had high hopes for Afro’s stripping career. I wanted her to show Maheeda, Dementia, Cossy Hoejiakor & all others that any dumb ass trick could climb up the ladder of stupidity and claim that crown. She was supposed to stay married to them implants until death did them part & keep shitting out half-assed boring as fuck pornos.

But sadly, that’s not going to happen, because this shit stain & her boobies are done. She farted out the following words to Saturday Tribune
“I have been having back pain lately, and when I went to my doctor for that, he said I was carrying load on my chest; that’s what’s causing it. Also, I can’t jog, run, jump rope or dance as I would like to without being conscious of the bouncing boobies. So, I wanna be able to do all that and be pain-free.”

Take a good look guys, for we may never see Afro’s magnificent pair of titties again. Someone hand me a tissue & let me sob for the rest of the day. My life is over!

D’banj Is Officially Over His Career

Okay guys, c’mon. What’s up with D’banj and what can we do to help? Because the way it looks now, he’s going down the very fast lane to obscurity & he officially needs to get it together.

I’m really obsessed with D’banj, I mean what’s not to like? He’s cute, tall, funny, sexy + he’s been bragging about his Koko for years. Side note: for all the years of sexual imagery, it’d better be a massive package. I’m talking nepa pole massive.

As much as I want like him, we’ve all known his career has been dead for a while now, which may or may not be due to his split from Don Jazzy. The last D’banj hit I can recall is Oliver Twist, 2010, and as if to assure us that he’s totally done with music, he’s unveiled his Koko Garri. I know I speak for a majority of women when I say that the only way I’m getting that is if I got word that eating it would give me his babies. Otherwise, I’ll pass.

This is the part where I’d usually say that I hope his girlfriend can fix him, but considering that Genevieve hasn’t done anything noteworthy since IJE,2010 either, I guess we’ll just have to sit & watch them both slowly disintegrate.

Nadia Buari Unimpressed By Jim Iyke’s Stunt Queen Moves

You guys, its time for us to talk about how hard Kim Iyke is aiming for his very own Fartrashian style empire. So, Kim proposed to Nadia this week & she said yes, but there are still discussions to be had about the authenticity of this totally not at all staged proposal.

First off, the whole reason Kim started this scripted reality show is to be more like his idols, the Fartrashians. I hate to admit it, but those tricks are the queens of reality tv, they basically reinvented that genre & made it profitable, so anyone else is copying them, that includes you Omotola.

Now, considering we’ve already heard reports from Kim’s ex-girlfriend, Kentura Hamilton on how every second of that shit show is staged, and that somehow the cameras were right around the corner to capture this, I don’t mean to point fingers, but I think its pretty obvious Kim is 100% ripping off the Fartrashians.

And for someone who supposedly just got engaged, Nadia doesn’t sound too excited about it. Her tweets below are a dead giveaway, reminding us that “Jim Iyke Unscripted is anything but real. The sad thing is looking at pictures of em together, I actually think she might really love him, & he’s just gonna ruin this with his quest for fame.

Way to go Kim, selling out your fiancée for a tv show. How very Fartrashian of you. What’s next? A televised wedding special? Cripes! Be more gross n unoriginal.

50 Shades Of Delusion; The Complete Fashion Mag Edition

Easter came early, you guys! cuz Complete Fashion, a mag that iono who the fuck still reads, is gifting us with its trailblazers knuckleheads edition & man! the delusion on this one is thick.

How perfect is it that Toke is basically photoshopped into the most shapeless mermaid alive, O.C looks lost + high & that alien on the right is supposedly Seyi Shay? This is the most snoozeworthy cover of all time. I mean, it could be a photo of sand on that cover & there’d be no difference.

While you’re still tryna get how Seyi Shay & Toke are trailblazers, let me direct you to the inner cover on which Sean Tizzle, Kach, Emma Nyra, B-Red & Beverly Naya are listed as “The Ones to Watch”

Where do I even start?
Sean Tizzle? Really, someone wants us to watch the scarier, shorter, less talented but more shapeless version of Davido? I’ll pass.
Kach; what are you???
Emma Nyra – Iyanya’s maid? No, thank you.
B-Red; um, who?
Beverly Naya; ok guys, I’m actually with CF mag on this, we should totally watch out for that awkwardly bent neck before it snaps & her head rolls into obscurity.

Whoever is responsible for this magazzzzzine deserves a high five, in the face, with a stool. ASAP! On second thought, make that a dozen stools.

10 Stupidest First Tweets Of Your Favorite Nollysluts

Twitter’s eight people! Although most of us have only been on it for a few years. Twitter just introduced a new tool, First Tweet, with which you can see anybody’s first tweet EVER. Yours, your boo’s, your bff’s or your frienemie’s. And YES, you can find celebrities’ first tweets too!

WARNING! Do NOT click this link or you’ll be useless for the next few days, stalking the first tweet of everyone you know. Being the benevolent angel that I am, I’ve compiled the first tweets of some of our favorite nollysluts. You’re welcome.

LOL. You? A covenant with God? Stop it, my tummy hurts.

Duh!

You guys, I give up, this trick has been partying for so long, its just pointless to try to make her quit now. TOO LATE

Nigga, how hard can it possibly be to navigate Uti’s butt twitter?

Me too hun, still tryna figure out watchu been doing with yo life since Ije, 2010

I hate to break it to ya, but it’s probably the same traffic your career has been in for a decade now.

I’ll be right here hun, listening to my music & watching you make questionable life choices.

LOL, exactly what you’ve achieved in the past five years

Good for you,J, now if only you’d learn how to actually ACT

WTF are you typing? What is this? Twitter for toddlers?

That Not-Smart Nollyslut Who Sang With IK Ogbonna Is Still Married

No longer content with being little more than a washed up talentless nollyslut,(remember any of her movies? No? Me neither) Juliet Shitbrahim keeps reaching for that rainbow of relevancy by telling us more about her open marriage than we’ll ever need to know.

She & her hubby shat out the following words to Razz Newspapers. I know, what an awesome coincidence. Razz newspapers? I just can’t.
Nigga said;

“When did you ever hear me speak in public? The only time I speak is when the issue concerns my business. I will say it again that the rumour is not true. She was not at my party because she had a lot to do in Nigeria.”

Let me correct that for you,
“When did you ever hear me TALK SHIT in public? The only time I BLAB is when the issue concerns my business. I will say it again that the rumour is not true. IT was not at my party because IT had a lot to FUCK in Nigeria.”

Hoe said;
“Do you know how often I am with my family?”

No, we don’t & I know I speak for the majority of humanity when I say, we DO NOT wanna know.

“Why would anybody want to say that acting is taking much of my time and away from my family?”

I know right! Who’d dare say that? I mean, considering you’ve not been in any sensible movie EVER in years.

“I was not at the party because I was in Nigeria, shooting. his party was supposed to be meant for him and his friends to celebrate and make merry – are you trying to say, he can’t have fun with friends because he’s married?”

Once more, let me correct that for you,
I was not at THAT SHITSHOW because I was in Nigeria, FUCKING. his party was supposed to be meant for him and his GIRLFRIENDS to FUCK and FUCK SOME MORE – are you trying to say, he can’t FUCK OTHER HOES because he’s married?”

In the words of the most sparkling poop on the planet, AINOBORRY GATIME FOR DT!, but if that stud with them below ever needs a blowie, then I MOST CERTAINLY got time for that. When you’re ready come & get it hun. Ugh, those stupid Selena Dumbez lyrics.

Someone Please Shove A Dick Up Singer Jodie’s Lying Ass

You guys, it’s a miracle! For once, someone’s being amazingly stupid & it’s not Dementia. Today, its singer type, Jodie (iono this trick either) who in an interview with TheNetNg, gifts us with an extra special serving of dumbassery while discussing the most delicious topic in the world, sex.

“Personally to me it is wrong because I am not married. I am not condemning those who do it, this is just my personal opinion.”

Bitch, you just said its wrong, so um yes, you’re totally condemning the rest of us, NORMAL people.

” I really should not have an opinion on sex because I don’t have any experience.”

The single sensible line in this entire statement. Can you just stfu now?

“Sex means nothing to me so I can’t get into any relationship just because of that”

LOL. I see you hun, rushing this interview & racing home to whip out your turbo powered vibrator. I mean, who needs a relationship when you got a room full of dildos? Ride on sweety. (Pun fully intended)

“I want a man that is my friend. Someone who would stand by me and be there for me. It is hard to find a friend in this dangerous world we live in so I need a friend. My friend should or would be the totality of me. With your friend in your life, there would be a large room of
compatibility. To sum it up, instead of saying he should be tall, dark, short, slim, fat and all, he should be my friend, one I can relate with without inhibition”.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
So um, you want a nigga you can friend zone? I hate to break it to ya, but this is probably why you’re allegedly still a virgin. I say allegedly cuz this picture right here is definitely of you riding something, maybe a dildo, dick or a pestle, but I don’t judge.

Keep holding on to your stupidity virginity hun. Let us know how that works out for ya.

Why Wild Animals Shouldn’t Use Twitter VI

I have little zero interest in what this IK person is, but my money’s on him being a world class stoner, cuz you gotta be on some pretty strong shit to shit out such a delusional tweet.

I mean, what person in his right mind lusts after a mosquito, a hippo, or a mannequin? You gotta be so fucking high, higher than the delusion oozing from Maheeda to do that. What I really wanna know is why the most elegant dingleberry in the universe isn’t on this list. This is outrageous!

She is the ONLY nollyslut worth lusting after. Unless of course you’re into dudes, then I’d recommend Mo Cheddah this yummy man candy.

Tiwa Savage Is Getting Married; Let The Famzing Begin

Unless you’ve been stuck between Cossy Hoejiakor’s gigantic watermelons, you probably already knew this was coming. Ms. Unnecessary High Pitch & her very gropey piece are officially signing up to become future ex-wife & ex-husband on April 26th, in Dubai.

Ms. Croaky should definitely toss her phone cuz now that we know this, EVERY SINGLE Nigerian “celebrity” will be calling to congratulate her try to sweet talk their way to an invite. Does anyone remember how crowded the bald one’s wedding to the razz one was last year? EVERYONE was there, actors, musicians, Uti & Boo, heck, even models & OAPs were there. This could potentially be twice as bad. I mean, what sorta celeb are you if you can’t famz your way to this? This will be more of a roll call, than an actual wedding.

And if the cringe-worthy fashion faux pas and reported fighting to get on the boat to Tuface’s wedding venue taught me anything, its to expect to absolute worst from our “celebs”.

April 26th, prepare yourselves!
Oh, & Dami & Chris , are still supposedly getting hitched on April 12th. Two weddings in one month? Can we just fast forward to April already.

I Just Weak; EXCLUSIVE; Dencia Debuts New Look On Oprah

That meticulously brushed wig! Those exquisite shades! That pristinely radiant skin! Those NATURALLY luscious lips! And Lawd! That tank top!
Dementia wishes she could, but that trick could NEVER pull this off. Not now, not in a jillion years. Not even if she stuffed all of her Shitilicious concoction up her butt.

This, Ladies & Gentlemen, is true unrefined ELEGANCE. Now, let the angels lift you to the heavens & beyond while you take in this image of pure artistic genius.

PERFECTO!

White Witch, Toyin Lawani Wants You To Know She’s Still As Confused As Ever

A funny thing happened on IG today. The shit stain on humanity that is Toyin Lawani shared her new tattoo with a message about ignoring her “haters”. The irony’s on her cuz bitch aint got no haters. I hate to rain on your parade, but nobody gives a shit about you, your tailor shop fashion label, your bottom bitch fake boyfriend baby daddy, or that really unlucky baby he allegedly fucked into you.

LOL. Bitches be all over IG talking about haters that don’t exist.

I may be wrong, but I’m pretty sure that’s not how instagram hash tags work. No spacing? what is this? Instagram for beginners? Shh, nobody tell Toyin this, or that “ainoborry” & “gattime” aren’t actual words. Let’s all just let this trick continue to amaze us with her dumbfuckery. I don’t think I even need to go into how fugly this tattoo is, it speaks for itself.

Its a bummer kids can’t walk, cuz if it could, that baby would run faster than Usain Bolt to the moon to get as far as possible from the foolery oozing from its mother.

Gideon Okeke Tries To Outdo Flavour, Forgets To Include His Dick

I’ve tried, I really have, but I still can’t with Gideon Okeke. Not today, not ever. I know he’s supposed to be some sorta sexy? Nollywood hunk, but everytime I look at him, I cringe. He’s just scary, and NO, not American Horror Story scary, more The Conjuring kinda scary.

This mannequin uploaded a supposedly sexy picture on IG today and I don’t mean to be gross, but I’d rather ride that beautiful piano in the background than come within a mile of his alleged sexiness. Nigga, when are you gonna quit with the depressingly boring IG uploads?

I see you tryna be all sexy, biting your lip, but I’m just gonna point out that at least, Flavour gave us some side ass, if you’re tryna compete with him, you oughta give us a little more; a butt cheek, all of your ass, a peen print, or if you’re feeling lucky EVERYTHING. Am I asking for too much? Be nice Gideon, BE NICE!

And what is it with the fanny pack? Watchu got in there Gideon? Your butt plug?

Ghost Queen, Pela Okiemute Says He Has A Girlfriend, Fails To Convince Me She’s Real

I usually try not to get offended by the “celebrity” shit that I hear daily, but I’m just getting word that Pela Okiemute is insisting he has a girlfriend, and I just want to know what the hell kinda fools he thinks we are.
This nutjob isn’t just saying he’s got a girl, he claims to have been dating her for three years now. I just gotta ask, what sorta fucked up bitch stays with a guy & watches him transform from black to brown to caramel to orange to yellow to white to Off white to faded in three years? (feel free to add any shade I might’ve missed)
Why are we just hearing about her now, only after a certain law has been passed?
I don’t mean to scare y’all or anything, but I just gotta point out that in under two months, four “connected” guys have all suddenly fallen in love. First, it was Uti, next Alexx, then our “metro sexuality guy” Prince & now this parasite. How long till Infantata (Denrele) goes crazy & starts dating Dementia?
And, just in case you’re wondering, this shit went down on Toke’s TRENDING snoozefest. We ALL oughta slow clap for the cinematographer who recorded that, I mean, how did he not instantly go blind as a bat with all the “heavenly whiteness” radiating in that room? Toke & Pela in one room?? I’m surprised those studios didn’t explode from the sheer intensity of the fumes emanating from these two stunt queens.
I’m just gonna leave this picture below of Ghost Queen & the “girlfriend” I suspect he’s referring to. Yeah, I still don’t believe the bottom bitch in this picture fucked that baby into that tricky White Witch, Toyin Lawani. Nice try guys, but I ain’t buying it.

Majid Michel Licks All The Shit Off Genevieve Nnaji’s Ass

I don’t mean to put words in anybody’s mouth, but are we absolutely certain that Majid Michel isn’t Genevieve’s personal shit eater? He shat out a long ass eulogy speech to her dead career beauty on IG, & man! Is this the most thorough ass licking ever or what? I’m starting to think that maybe there’s something else going on here. I mean, nigga quoted Rihanna lyrics, RIHANNA LYRICS, you guys, & basically called her a god. At this rate, I don’t think she’ll ever need to poop again. He’s licked that ass sore, sucked out all the shit in her & probably swallowed her intestines in one single statement.
This puppy’s been working overtime people, He needs a raise & an extended vacation. Here’s to hoping he gets lost on vacation & never comes back. I mean, I like to think that I’m nasty, but I can NOT take a single second more of this intense Scat Play they’ve got going on.
Comparing yo dumb asses to James Dean & Marilyn Monroe. Ha! You wish!

Damn, Those Muscles!

I won’t be blogging tomorrow, because I’ll probably prolapse tonight and have to spend all day trying to shove everything back up in there.
DAMN!
I think I might have died & gone to heaven cuz if this ain’t heaven, I don’t know what is.
I wanna lay my head on those abs, I wanna lick whipped cream off em. Heck, I wanna be those boxer briefs so bad. When I think of how close they are to that body, my insides melt.
Screw that music shit, with a body like that, he should be a professional stripper instagram model. Dillish oughta be arrested for refusing to make a sextape date this muscle stud. What is wrong with you Dillish? What??
If you need me, I’ll be holed up in my room praying to the gods I get a sextape soon, before I loose it.