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How To Make A Crappy Tv Show; The Gidi Up Edition

You guys, I’m done. I’m officially over Gidi Up.

FYI, Joan Rivers died & I can’t think of a better way to honour mum than by being as blunt as possible. So, I’m just gonna say it, this show sucks. A lot. So much that even Deyemi Okanlawon’s extremely suckable nipples couldn’t save it. There’s just so much BS, dumbass characters & cringeworthy acting, that it’s impossible to get whatever message it’s offering. EVEN WORSE: Makida Moka Robocunt is in it & lawd knows her acting is worse than Tonto Decay’s entire career.

I tried to like this snoozefest, I really did, but after two months of facepalming, sighing & snoozing my way through eight episodes, I’m over it. Yup. Eight episodes. You know you’re done when you bookmarked the latest episodes for two weeks & didn’t get bored enough to play ’em & if you’re one of the many ZERO people looking forward to the finale, I have some bad news — you probably have very poor taste in tv 😦

Why??? Cuz Gidi Up season two is one of the worst tv shows in years, so bad that every other show should be glad it exists, because they look amazing in comparison. Almost every character comes off as entirely stupid, and is just so bland that if it were possible, I’d have ’em all locked up at Briarcliff in the most capable hands of Rev. Sis. Mary Eunice.

This shows central mystery seems to be “to what lengths would people go to make it in Lagos?” An even bigger mystery is why in the world Ndani tv extended it to thirteen half hour episodes this season which is obviously why there’s so much filler and nonsense. It just doesn’t work. At all.

Gidi up brings new meaning to the phrase “lame”. Each episode made me feel like I was being punished for something, maybe for tuning in to watch such a silly show. From the very first episode, it’s been bad. I mean, this is a show whose characters think pregnancy could be malaria, can’t find their g-spots and talk like robots. What could be worse? The fucking unending aerial shots of Lagos. At first it was awesome, then it was nice, then I was like meh, it got lame & then it got waaay too much. Cripes. Overkill.

I’m mostly just sad that O.C Ukeje had to be dragged into this, as he’s obviously wayyy too good for this show & doesn’t deserve to be on a show so poorly-planned, horribly-written, and all-around wacky. Actually, no human does. Well maybe Cruella De Vil & Robocunt.

Let’s play a fun game, one word for each dunce 😀

Eki – Dolt
Sharon – Twant
Yvonne – Ogiri 😀
Monye – What-Are-You-Even-Doing-Here?
Folarin – Christian-Maybe-Grey 🙂
Obi – Candy 🙂
Tokunbo – Chocolate 🙂
Meka – Wo-bo-se-jona-bi-isale-pot 😀
Mo – NO
Sharon’s bridesmaids – Taints

Gidi Up season two = Complete Crapola

It’s finally fall, which means all my favorite shows are back. So, if you need me, I’ll be right here obsessing over Scandal, How To Get Away With Murder, Sleepy Hollow, Modern Family, Brooklyn Nine Nine, Mom, Gotham, New Girl, Awkward & of course, American Horror Story. Oh, & you have NOT lived until you hear Jhené Aiko’s new album.

And yes, I listed ’em all cuz I expect you’ll need some really good tv to rinse out the bitterness Shitty Up leaves in your mouth. You’re welcome.

Gidi Up Season Two Episode Eight Review; Makida Moka Vs Lilian Bach

Guys, we need to talk about Makida Moka. I’ve kept silent about this issue for way too long, but it’s time to address it. It’s been pretty clear for a while now that hunty’s on the road to becoming the next Lilian Bach (aka the worst actress in the entire fucking universe), but I didn’t know we would have to go through so many disturbing scenes of her on this show. Take, for example, the godawful scene with her & Von this week, I’ve NEVER in all my life seen so much fuckery ooze from one person. It is astounding.

In case you’ve been living under a rock or one of Cossy Hoejiakor’s ginormous hooters, Tok’s been tryna make Eki get rid of the baby so he can ditch her lame ass & be with Cruella De Vil full time. Tool doesn’t know this & agrees, Jerk doesn’t show for their 1pm abortion, nails his beta testing instead. Dumb bitch goes in alone.

Folarin runs into Sharon at a restaurant & tries to bone her, thankfully the background noise isn’t as horrible as that wacky café scene from episode two. Obi’s still tryna shag HBIC & there’s an EFCC ad thrown in there for apparently no reason. He goes to deliver cupcakes to Illa & finds her plotting with some men to kill someone, Folarin scares him off, Illa gets her cupcakes & I need to point out something real quick.

I may be going nuts, but I’m pretty sure there’s a HUGE continuity error in this scene. Folarin hands Illa the box of cupcakes & she opens it. In one shot, the open side of the box is facing her & she takes a cupcake, in the very next shot, that same open side is turned away from her while she takes the same cupcake & in the third shot, its facing her again.
RUFKM???

I want you guys to remember exactly where you are right now, because this is potentially the moment when the entire Meka & Von affair gets blown wide open. I’ve been hard on numbskull Sharon for ignoring the obvious signs, but today, she surprised me. Bitch got smart! (I know, I never thought I’d type that either) & found a couple of flirty texts on Meka’s phone at dinner & I’m as excited as you are to see where this goes.

Some dude whose presence makes absolutely zero sense sings.

Eki wakes up to find Tok’s by her bed, apparently she hates him now, he’s driving her home, she suddenly realizes she needs time & space away from him, (boo, iono about Toks but I’m sure we can all agree we need time, space & centuries away from you as well, thank you 🙂 ) gets out of the car & walks home in the rain.

After a million months of enduring it, this fuckfest is FINALLY OVER! (well at least till September) High Five, bitches! If you made it through all eight episodes, congratulations & don’t forget to treat yourself to some actually good TV while we wait.

Hip Hip Whore-ay!

Gidi Up Season Two Episode Six Review; RIP Eki

You know what, you guys? Last week’s episode was a total snooze-o-rama. I don’t know about you but I’m still reeling from the sheer amount of dumbassery I got hit with in just twenty minutes. So let me be the first to thank the writers for that awesome five minute intro with Toks & Obi cuz lawd knows I needed a distraction from all the idiocy last week.

Obi rapes Illa on the phone, Tok’s talks about techserve, they talk Eki, hookups & money. Makida Moka Robocunt walks in & thankfully doesn’t give us the deets on the I’m-not-sure-but-I’ll-bet-my-firstborn-it-most-definitely-was boring ass sex she & Obi had last night.

Von’s got a customer, Eki mopes around Vone HQ, Ifeanyi Dike speaks & 9,958,896,084,842,752,752 is approximately the number of ovaries that explode whenever he speaks :), Sharon struts in, says some BS & leaves. SIDE NOTE; If I ever have to watch another 30 seconds of Eki crying, I will physically harm myself.

Iono about y’all, but I’ve tried super hard, I just can’t come up with a reason for Folarin’s continued existence on this show. The writers better have a mind blowing revelation about him ahead to justify the unnecessary scenes he’s in every other week. Jide Kosoko guest stars & is A+mazing as always.

Obi’s on air with Wana & you guys, I heard this unreal GBAGAUN on the show. Someone calls in & goes;
Caller- Uche here, we met at Mo’s party a few weeks ago.
Wana- Uche what’s the gist? Any dirt?
Caller- Of course “I do”

I DIE.

Bruh, she didn’t ask “Got any dirt?” she asked “Any dirt?” What’s the “I do” for?? I know I’ve asked this a jillion times, but “Who or What the fuck is responsible for the wacky dialogue on this show???”

Numbskull Uche & Wana bully Obi into a date with a random caller. Von’s closing up at her store & Meka literally runs into her. Oh My Fucking Goodness, how long till these two just bone? Feel free to nap while I sum up this scene. They fall, they laugh, he helps her up, they laugh again, he tries to kiss her, tart says she can’t betray Sharon, Meka gives a BS speech about love, she says no, he leaves.

Obi can’t borrow Tok’s Range for his date & takes a smaller car, picks up his faker-than-Venita Akpofure’s $10,000 butt implants date, Temi, whose sing-song accent + shrill voice will dry up your vagina. Bitch hates the small, non-a.c car, calls a friend, gets off & takes a pic to show everyone how lame Obi is, then mocks him.

In the final scene, Toks tells Eki to get an abortion & I really hope she listens, dies doing it & gets tossed in the ocean. Fucking useless character. If this really happens, may I just say I’m looking forward to many Eki-less moments in the near future. If nothing else, the show’s at least gonna get fewer wtf weeping scenes & move along much faster.

How I feel about this episode?

Gidi Up Season Two Episode Five Review; Sex, Zzzzz, More Sex

Stop whatever it is you’re doing right now (I’m assuming that just like me, you’re googling “flavour nabania or Phyno or ANY FUCKING Nollywood sextape”) & listen up, because I’ve got some very important news for those of you who still watch this shitshow. Three episodes ago, I told y’all Eki was preggo, now, she knows too. FINALLY! If I start ranting about how painfully dull this trick’s been this season, I’ll never stop. Cripes!

Ok, so Folarin’s in Abuja doing lawd knows what & for everyone else, it’s beach party time! Quick question; what sorta PG 13, lame ass beach party is this? What’s a beach party without a couple of bulging dicks & nip slips?? Only in Lagos. Ugh, I can’t. Ikechukwu guest stars as Mo, & I’m just like meh, whatever man. Von gives Eki relationship advice, don’t worry it made no sense to me either.

Uber-skank, Kaylah Oniwo, Sharon & some ratchet hoebag discuss blended Dick smoothies, I DOZE OFF.

Sharon’s still got no idea Meka’s tryna get in Yvonne’s pants, even after catching ’em in another awkward moment. Geez! What’s it gonna take? A fucking sextape?? Eki & Toks have an awkward run in & the rest of the episode is a slow-mo snoozefest. Meka shows up at Von’s door, AGAIN. Fucking 69 already, you guys. Just do it.

On the plus side, Makida Moka Robocunt fucks Obi, which she totally deserves. I mean, bitch spent the entire episode slutting over him. If he’d said no, I’d be feeling some serious second-hand embarrassment for her. Cumwhore Vixen Ekwere Cruella De Vil fucks Toks once more & watching her fake an orgasm makes me never, EVER wanna have sex again. Ick.

This episode was so tediously boring, watching it was a fucking chore. Aargh, you guys, I’m so drained right now, I need a fucking I.V.

Before watching this, I’d just seen an episode of Suits (which is totally killing it this 4th season), Extant (a new show I’m enduring cuz Halle Berry’s in it) & three back-to-back eps of The Leftovers (if you’re not watching this, I hope Cruella De Vil rapes you) & as soon as I play Gidi Up, I’m like “wtf just happened?” who turned down the awesomeness factor?? Feels like the writers decided since we’re throwing a beach party, let’s just screw up the plot.

File this under #Shit WeBeenThrough

Gidi Up Season Two Episode Three Review; More Lube Please

Last week, dumber than Dementia former-photographer-now-fulltime-sidechick Eki put on her blond-est wig & tried to convince us she wasn’t pregnant. It didn’t work; & this week, it still doesn’t.

On the plus side, Obi’s awake!!! with Tok’s in the hospital & Deyemi Okanlawon & O.C Ukeje alone in the same room just makes a bitch wanna steal a strip pole, call up Flavour & Dillish & set up a camera start a bible study group. And just in case you were wandering, Obi calls his wanker “The Obi”. Oh, & something goes wrong with the audio at the 4:14 mark. Aargh.

Pretty good episode if you ask me. Oh wait, there’s more, & as you can imagine things go downhill from here. Yvonne & Paris Hilton Eki attend Sharon’s engagement dinner which is all sorts of awkward considering the fact that Von used to 69 Sharon’s dad.

Can we just take a minute to talk about Kaylah Oniwo’s nasty ass armpit?? Eek. Omg, what in hell’s name?? Thot & two other loud hoes are Sharon’s trannys “girls”. LOL.

Sharon asks Von to join her wedding train & at this point I’m 100% sure that trick’s a dyke. I mean, she’s been ALL OVER Von this entire season, & yes, I know how that sounded. Von says yes, goes off to find the bathroom & somehow ends up in a room with Meka, Sharon’s fiancé who whines about feeling powerless cuz his life feels like its been planned for him. Yikes. #RichPeopleProblems

Von runs into Sharon’s mum briefly, heads upstairs cuz um, yeah she’s still gotta pee & runz into Folarin again. Shoot me. Am I the only one sensing the weird, 50 Shades Of Wrong, creepy sexual tension between these two? Someone throw ’em a bottle of lube already. Trick then storms off with Eki, but refuses to tell her what’s wrong.

The last 4 minutes are of Folarin blackmailing Sharon’s dad into introducing him to his business partners/friends. Apparently, Dilf’s been fucking around more than we imagined.

Something new I learned today: Makida Moka’s ass is so flat, it makes the wall jealous, all she got is a back and legs but I don’t judge 😉

& here’s a shot of Von tryna take a really big sixty-six. You’re welcome 🙂