Tag Archives: frogs

Thank You Cameroon, But It’s Time For You To Come Get Dencia

Not pictured: The 100 ice packs and 50 ice blocks that were needed to make sure the studio & everyone in it didn’t overheat & implode from being in such close proximity to the White Witch Of The East.

In case you needed further proof that she thinks with her implants, the ratchet ass used tampon that is Dementia went on Channel 4, UK to whore out her Shitilicious concoction. And all I can say is, thank God she’s not in Nigeria, even if only for a few days.

Now that she’s gone, I think its time for us to collectively petition Cameroon to come drag this hoe home. What I really wanna know is why this trick continually refers to herself as Nigerian. Bitch, you’re a fucking Cameroonian (although you’re ALWAYS here), we DON’T want you, your Shitilicious or your empty brain. I could give a thousand reasons why someone needs to drag this trick by her weave all the way back to Cameroon, but I’ll just give ONE. That song is the single most autotuned mess I’ve heard in all my life, & this is coming from someone who sat through the whole of Ms. Croaky’s “Once Upon A Snore” album.

If you’ve not yet seen the video, I really don’t think you should bother. It’s just seven minutes of her redefining the word “dumb”. From the confused accent, to the fugly jumpsuit, tacky weave & shades, all I can get is that Dementia obviously needs to fall of a cliff & disappear permanently. Someone please say a prayer.

This Picture Is The Reason Why Tania Omotayo Dumped Wizkid

Now, I cannot confirm the rumours are true, but we can all assume they are cuz the picture below is all the evidence we need. Who woulda thought Tania would dump Wizzy over Davido? I’m as shocked as you are, I mean, he’s taller, hotter & just makes more sense, but if Shortstuff makes her happy, good for her. Here you go, ENJOY.

Gotcha! LOL

D’banj Is Officially Over His Career

Okay guys, c’mon. What’s up with D’banj and what can we do to help? Because the way it looks now, he’s going down the very fast lane to obscurity & he officially needs to get it together.

I’m really obsessed with D’banj, I mean what’s not to like? He’s cute, tall, funny, sexy + he’s been bragging about his Koko for years. Side note: for all the years of sexual imagery, it’d better be a massive package. I’m talking nepa pole massive.

As much as I want like him, we’ve all known his career has been dead for a while now, which may or may not be due to his split from Don Jazzy. The last D’banj hit I can recall is Oliver Twist, 2010, and as if to assure us that he’s totally done with music, he’s unveiled his Koko Garri. I know I speak for a majority of women when I say that the only way I’m getting that is if I got word that eating it would give me his babies. Otherwise, I’ll pass.

This is the part where I’d usually say that I hope his girlfriend can fix him, but considering that Genevieve hasn’t done anything noteworthy since IJE,2010 either, I guess we’ll just have to sit & watch them both slowly disintegrate.

50 Shades Of Delusion; The Complete Fashion Mag Edition

Easter came early, you guys! cuz Complete Fashion, a mag that iono who the fuck still reads, is gifting us with its trailblazers knuckleheads edition & man! the delusion on this one is thick.

How perfect is it that Toke is basically photoshopped into the most shapeless mermaid alive, O.C looks lost + high & that alien on the right is supposedly Seyi Shay? This is the most snoozeworthy cover of all time. I mean, it could be a photo of sand on that cover & there’d be no difference.

While you’re still tryna get how Seyi Shay & Toke are trailblazers, let me direct you to the inner cover on which Sean Tizzle, Kach, Emma Nyra, B-Red & Beverly Naya are listed as “The Ones to Watch”

Where do I even start?
Sean Tizzle? Really, someone wants us to watch the scarier, shorter, less talented but more shapeless version of Davido? I’ll pass.
Kach; what are you???
Emma Nyra – Iyanya’s maid? No, thank you.
B-Red; um, who?
Beverly Naya; ok guys, I’m actually with CF mag on this, we should totally watch out for that awkwardly bent neck before it snaps & her head rolls into obscurity.

Whoever is responsible for this magazzzzzine deserves a high five, in the face, with a stool. ASAP! On second thought, make that a dozen stools.

10 Stupidest First Tweets Of Your Favorite Nollysluts

Twitter’s eight people! Although most of us have only been on it for a few years. Twitter just introduced a new tool, First Tweet, with which you can see anybody’s first tweet EVER. Yours, your boo’s, your bff’s or your frienemie’s. And YES, you can find celebrities’ first tweets too!

WARNING! Do NOT click this link or you’ll be useless for the next few days, stalking the first tweet of everyone you know. Being the benevolent angel that I am, I’ve compiled the first tweets of some of our favorite nollysluts. You’re welcome.

LOL. You? A covenant with God? Stop it, my tummy hurts.

Duh!

You guys, I give up, this trick has been partying for so long, its just pointless to try to make her quit now. TOO LATE

Nigga, how hard can it possibly be to navigate Uti’s butt twitter?

Me too hun, still tryna figure out watchu been doing with yo life since Ije, 2010

I hate to break it to ya, but it’s probably the same traffic your career has been in for a decade now.

I’ll be right here hun, listening to my music & watching you make questionable life choices.

LOL, exactly what you’ve achieved in the past five years

Good for you,J, now if only you’d learn how to actually ACT

WTF are you typing? What is this? Twitter for toddlers?

That Not-Smart Nollyslut Who Sang With IK Ogbonna Is Still Married

No longer content with being little more than a washed up talentless nollyslut,(remember any of her movies? No? Me neither) Juliet Shitbrahim keeps reaching for that rainbow of relevancy by telling us more about her open marriage than we’ll ever need to know.

She & her hubby shat out the following words to Razz Newspapers. I know, what an awesome coincidence. Razz newspapers? I just can’t.
Nigga said;

“When did you ever hear me speak in public? The only time I speak is when the issue concerns my business. I will say it again that the rumour is not true. She was not at my party because she had a lot to do in Nigeria.”

Let me correct that for you,
“When did you ever hear me TALK SHIT in public? The only time I BLAB is when the issue concerns my business. I will say it again that the rumour is not true. IT was not at my party because IT had a lot to FUCK in Nigeria.”

Hoe said;
“Do you know how often I am with my family?”

No, we don’t & I know I speak for the majority of humanity when I say, we DO NOT wanna know.

“Why would anybody want to say that acting is taking much of my time and away from my family?”

I know right! Who’d dare say that? I mean, considering you’ve not been in any sensible movie EVER in years.

“I was not at the party because I was in Nigeria, shooting. his party was supposed to be meant for him and his friends to celebrate and make merry – are you trying to say, he can’t have fun with friends because he’s married?”

Once more, let me correct that for you,
I was not at THAT SHITSHOW because I was in Nigeria, FUCKING. his party was supposed to be meant for him and his GIRLFRIENDS to FUCK and FUCK SOME MORE – are you trying to say, he can’t FUCK OTHER HOES because he’s married?”

In the words of the most sparkling poop on the planet, AINOBORRY GATIME FOR DT!, but if that stud with them below ever needs a blowie, then I MOST CERTAINLY got time for that. When you’re ready come & get it hun. Ugh, those stupid Selena Dumbez lyrics.

Someone Please Shove A Dick Up Singer Jodie’s Lying Ass

You guys, it’s a miracle! For once, someone’s being amazingly stupid & it’s not Dementia. Today, its singer type, Jodie (iono this trick either) who in an interview with TheNetNg, gifts us with an extra special serving of dumbassery while discussing the most delicious topic in the world, sex.

“Personally to me it is wrong because I am not married. I am not condemning those who do it, this is just my personal opinion.”

Bitch, you just said its wrong, so um yes, you’re totally condemning the rest of us, NORMAL people.

” I really should not have an opinion on sex because I don’t have any experience.”

The single sensible line in this entire statement. Can you just stfu now?

“Sex means nothing to me so I can’t get into any relationship just because of that”

LOL. I see you hun, rushing this interview & racing home to whip out your turbo powered vibrator. I mean, who needs a relationship when you got a room full of dildos? Ride on sweety. (Pun fully intended)

“I want a man that is my friend. Someone who would stand by me and be there for me. It is hard to find a friend in this dangerous world we live in so I need a friend. My friend should or would be the totality of me. With your friend in your life, there would be a large room of
compatibility. To sum it up, instead of saying he should be tall, dark, short, slim, fat and all, he should be my friend, one I can relate with without inhibition”.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
So um, you want a nigga you can friend zone? I hate to break it to ya, but this is probably why you’re allegedly still a virgin. I say allegedly cuz this picture right here is definitely of you riding something, maybe a dildo, dick or a pestle, but I don’t judge.

Keep holding on to your stupidity virginity hun. Let us know how that works out for ya.

Tiwa Savage Is Getting Married; Let The Famzing Begin

Unless you’ve been stuck between Cossy Hoejiakor’s gigantic watermelons, you probably already knew this was coming. Ms. Unnecessary High Pitch & her very gropey piece are officially signing up to become future ex-wife & ex-husband on April 26th, in Dubai.

Ms. Croaky should definitely toss her phone cuz now that we know this, EVERY SINGLE Nigerian “celebrity” will be calling to congratulate her try to sweet talk their way to an invite. Does anyone remember how crowded the bald one’s wedding to the razz one was last year? EVERYONE was there, actors, musicians, Uti & Boo, heck, even models & OAPs were there. This could potentially be twice as bad. I mean, what sorta celeb are you if you can’t famz your way to this? This will be more of a roll call, than an actual wedding.

And if the cringe-worthy fashion faux pas and reported fighting to get on the boat to Tuface’s wedding venue taught me anything, its to expect to absolute worst from our “celebs”.

April 26th, prepare yourselves!
Oh, & Dami & Chris , are still supposedly getting hitched on April 12th. Two weddings in one month? Can we just fast forward to April already.

Majid Michel Licks All The Shit Off Genevieve Nnaji’s Ass

I don’t mean to put words in anybody’s mouth, but are we absolutely certain that Majid Michel isn’t Genevieve’s personal shit eater? He shat out a long ass eulogy speech to her dead career beauty on IG, & man! Is this the most thorough ass licking ever or what? I’m starting to think that maybe there’s something else going on here. I mean, nigga quoted Rihanna lyrics, RIHANNA LYRICS, you guys, & basically called her a god. At this rate, I don’t think she’ll ever need to poop again. He’s licked that ass sore, sucked out all the shit in her & probably swallowed her intestines in one single statement.
This puppy’s been working overtime people, He needs a raise & an extended vacation. Here’s to hoping he gets lost on vacation & never comes back. I mean, I like to think that I’m nasty, but I can NOT take a single second more of this intense Scat Play they’ve got going on.
Comparing yo dumb asses to James Dean & Marilyn Monroe. Ha! You wish!

Stars In Rags; The AMVCA’s

1. Ladies & Gentlemen, I proudly present to you, the ghost of Infantata. If you’ve not seen American Horror Story, get on it ASAP.
2. Alexx & Yemi. Still trying that fakelationship?
3. Uche Jombo. This is what happens when you try waaay too hard. Are you even breathing in that?
4. Uti. That pout! You go girl! That fugly outfit? All this started since you began fake dating Saeon.
5. IK. Is this the part where you take off your hat & pull out a vibrator rabbit or your butt plug? Are you lost??
6. Funlola. Ugh, so much red, what are you? A used tampon? And that purse? Why do bad things happen to good people?
7. Adunni Ade. You guys, this is how you hold in a fart on a red carpet & still look elegant. Take notes.
8. Chika Ike. Who’s nose is that? Your NEW face scares me.
9. I don’t know you, but that pose! This is how you do it people. Push your crotch out for the camera & let your boobs do the talking!

Maheeda Can’t Stop, Won’t Stop Tryna Get Famous

Some little girls grow up to become people, some become skeevy cumwhores. The elegant mosquito that is Maheeda is gifting us with another music video, although no one asked. If this is anything like her first video, it’ll just be shots of her saggy ass, potbelly, scary face & tacky wigs over & over. I’ve got no problem with a hoe tryna feel sexy, all I’m saying is if you’re gonna strip, go all the way. Stop with the ass shots & cleavage zooms, give us EVERYTHING or shut this shit down. Quit teasing those male “models” in your videos, if you’re gonna be nude around ’em, you might as well give ’em handies or blowies. Why so selfish Maheeda?
And five minutes after this video was shot that trick painting her crotch exploded. She shoulda known better. You don’t put your nose that close to such toxic fumes & expect to survive.

Yemi Alade Is Still Really, Really Tryna Be Sexy

I really don’t mean to scare anyone, but I think Yemi might have suffered a stroke last night on stage. That is the only explanation I will accept for these pictures below. Who knew Alex would be a life saver?
If you’re into a slut grinding her potbelly & possibly crab infested crotch on a mannequin, rejoice!, this is heaven. If, you’re not, I can’t help you.
We really need to talk about that wide grin on Alex’s face. Dude looks like a monkey discovering bananas for the very first time. Why so excited Alex? First time with a human woman? Next thing we know, they’ll claim they’re dating & fell in love on the set of her music video. I’m looking at you Uti Nwachukwu & Saeon
This is every possible layer of gross. Cossy’s probably looking at them & thinking “lawd! Who is this Yemi trick & why is she tryna upstage me?”

Someone Please Explain Why Iyanya Won’t Shut Up

For some reason that is completely beyond me, Quasimodo gave an interview to iCampus Magazine (yeah, never heard of it too) & you guys!, this is the best thing I’ve read this entire year. There’s just such immense fuckery in this, I can’t decide where to start. I’ll just skip to the juiciest quotes.
“They abuse you and when you abuse them back it becomes an issue.”
Um, I think you mean “insult”?

“You don’t want to know the things I ignore. If I check my twitter now, someone is abusing me. We have never met but they are abusing me.”
You’re about to weep cuz people are mean to you on twitter? Nigga, get off twitter.

“Sometimes I am single; sometimes I’m in a relationship. You fit see me tomorrow and I go tell you say, “Oh boy, I don break up oh.” I fit wake up say I no do again. Then next tomorrow, I can be in a relationship.”
Ok, so you’re a serial dater? We did NOT need to know that, but it’s cool.

“I’m after the money. My problem is to make money and have like 20 houses in this Lagos – Island and Mainland. I want house for London, everywhere, so when people talk too much, I go just comot go my house for London go chill.”
LOL. Money miss road. If all you want money for is to buy houses, you either have a really weird house fetish or you’re crazy.

“I feel like you can just watch a Nollywood movie that you have never seen or heard of and tell the way it’s going to end before it does.”
This is the ONLY sensible line in this entire interview.

“But trust me; if any director partners with me to do a movie, it will be awesome.”
Awesomely boring you mean? Really though? Have you not learnt anything from Genny, Omotola & Tonto Decay?? STAY IN YOUR LANE. Ugh.

“Ehn.. person go dey inside studio dey hustle hard to do music make una happy.”
Make una happy? I’m sorry, what?? Please, keep your music. We DON’T want. How is it even possible for you to contradict yourself like this? One minute, you’re doing this all for the money, the next, it’s to make us happy. Um, so, can you hear yourself?

“You go manage gather 1500 or even pay BIS for one week dey abuse person wey dey hustle. It’s not kool. They should try to understand…”
I will never get why all Nigerian “celebs” assume anyone who attacks them online is doing so from a blackberry. No, we do not all use blackberries. Some of us use androids & iPhones too. Shut up already.

And the juiciest part;
“Later I go see am for twitter that Iyanya said he will do a sex scene with Yvonne Nelson then the girl go come dey talk nonsense on top Twitter. Abeg oh!”
Let me get this, you’re afraid Yvonne will trash talk you on twitter, so you’re just gonna do it first & trash talk her on paper. How smart of you! Where is your PR team? And why are they letting you do this?

It’s official you guys, the Iyanya and Yvonne Nelson sextape of my dreams will probably never happen. I always hoped they’d reunite & give us something to live for. If you need me, I’ll be in the corner mourning the loss of yet another sextape. Over to you FLAVOUR & DILLISH.

50 Shades Of Delusion; The Davido Edition

The excitement on these kids faces is hilarious. What are y’all so happy about? Its Short Stuff with a CD. Nothing more. Children, ‘face ya work’ or books. Not everyone will be a Davido. There will always be a Skales & a Niyola or Sasha LOL P.
Apparently, someone in his PR camp thought it’d be a good idea to visit the Gladesmore Community School, Tottenham & say to these kids “Education is Key…Stay in School”
Someone make it stop, I might die of laughter. You, of ALL people telling kids to stay in school??? Its like “the bald one”Tu face advertising condoms.
I’m just gonna let this side eye from Toolz speak for me.

Le Hustle; Hosted By A Very Wet Tiwa Savage

Ms. Unnecessary High Pitch “performed” at a gala night over the weekend & yes, she brought her bare feet again. The first time, it was different, maybe even nice, but it had been raining & it was an outdoor event so she had an excuse. What I want to know is why this trick is barefoot on an obviously dry stage at The Civic Centre in Lagos.
Now, let me draw your attention to the true STAR of this event, that slippery, shining, dripping wet armpit! Tee Billz is such a lucky man, getting to lick that every night! And now that we know where those lips have been, let’s all take five minutes to bleach out our brains.
Well, every trick needs to make bank somehow. She’s making money by being a wet, barefoot mess, Dementia chooses to sell Shitilicious & Maheeda’s still trying that whole sleazy stripper routine. So, um happy hustling boo.
No,I most definitely did not forget the lesser stars of that picture, that super muscular “she-hulk arm” behind Ms. Croaky & those ‘Yam Legs’ beside her. This picture is PERFECTION!