Tag Archives: kaylah oniwo

How To Make A Crappy Tv Show; The Gidi Up Edition

You guys, I’m done. I’m officially over Gidi Up.

FYI, Joan Rivers died & I can’t think of a better way to honour mum than by being as blunt as possible. So, I’m just gonna say it, this show sucks. A lot. So much that even Deyemi Okanlawon’s extremely suckable nipples couldn’t save it. There’s just so much BS, dumbass characters & cringeworthy acting, that it’s impossible to get whatever message it’s offering. EVEN WORSE: Makida Moka Robocunt is in it & lawd knows her acting is worse than Tonto Decay’s entire career.

I tried to like this snoozefest, I really did, but after two months of facepalming, sighing & snoozing my way through eight episodes, I’m over it. Yup. Eight episodes. You know you’re done when you bookmarked the latest episodes for two weeks & didn’t get bored enough to play ’em & if you’re one of the many ZERO people looking forward to the finale, I have some bad news — you probably have very poor taste in tv 😦

Why??? Cuz Gidi Up season two is one of the worst tv shows in years, so bad that every other show should be glad it exists, because they look amazing in comparison. Almost every character comes off as entirely stupid, and is just so bland that if it were possible, I’d have ’em all locked up at Briarcliff in the most capable hands of Rev. Sis. Mary Eunice.

This shows central mystery seems to be “to what lengths would people go to make it in Lagos?” An even bigger mystery is why in the world Ndani tv extended it to thirteen half hour episodes this season which is obviously why there’s so much filler and nonsense. It just doesn’t work. At all.

Gidi up brings new meaning to the phrase “lame”. Each episode made me feel like I was being punished for something, maybe for tuning in to watch such a silly show. From the very first episode, it’s been bad. I mean, this is a show whose characters think pregnancy could be malaria, can’t find their g-spots and talk like robots. What could be worse? The fucking unending aerial shots of Lagos. At first it was awesome, then it was nice, then I was like meh, it got lame & then it got waaay too much. Cripes. Overkill.

I’m mostly just sad that O.C Ukeje had to be dragged into this, as he’s obviously wayyy too good for this show & doesn’t deserve to be on a show so poorly-planned, horribly-written, and all-around wacky. Actually, no human does. Well maybe Cruella De Vil & Robocunt.

Let’s play a fun game, one word for each dunce 😀

Eki – Dolt
Sharon – Twant
Yvonne – Ogiri 😀
Monye – What-Are-You-Even-Doing-Here?
Folarin – Christian-Maybe-Grey 🙂
Obi – Candy 🙂
Tokunbo – Chocolate 🙂
Meka – Wo-bo-se-jona-bi-isale-pot 😀
Mo – NO
Sharon’s bridesmaids – Taints

Gidi Up season two = Complete Crapola

It’s finally fall, which means all my favorite shows are back. So, if you need me, I’ll be right here obsessing over Scandal, How To Get Away With Murder, Sleepy Hollow, Modern Family, Brooklyn Nine Nine, Mom, Gotham, New Girl, Awkward & of course, American Horror Story. Oh, & you have NOT lived until you hear Jhené Aiko’s new album.

And yes, I listed ’em all cuz I expect you’ll need some really good tv to rinse out the bitterness Shitty Up leaves in your mouth. You’re welcome.

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Gidi Up Season Two Episode Five Review; Sex, Zzzzz, More Sex

Stop whatever it is you’re doing right now (I’m assuming that just like me, you’re googling “flavour nabania or Phyno or ANY FUCKING Nollywood sextape”) & listen up, because I’ve got some very important news for those of you who still watch this shitshow. Three episodes ago, I told y’all Eki was preggo, now, she knows too. FINALLY! If I start ranting about how painfully dull this trick’s been this season, I’ll never stop. Cripes!

Ok, so Folarin’s in Abuja doing lawd knows what & for everyone else, it’s beach party time! Quick question; what sorta PG 13, lame ass beach party is this? What’s a beach party without a couple of bulging dicks & nip slips?? Only in Lagos. Ugh, I can’t. Ikechukwu guest stars as Mo, & I’m just like meh, whatever man. Von gives Eki relationship advice, don’t worry it made no sense to me either.

Uber-skank, Kaylah Oniwo, Sharon & some ratchet hoebag discuss blended Dick smoothies, I DOZE OFF.

Sharon’s still got no idea Meka’s tryna get in Yvonne’s pants, even after catching ’em in another awkward moment. Geez! What’s it gonna take? A fucking sextape?? Eki & Toks have an awkward run in & the rest of the episode is a slow-mo snoozefest. Meka shows up at Von’s door, AGAIN. Fucking 69 already, you guys. Just do it.

On the plus side, Makida Moka Robocunt fucks Obi, which she totally deserves. I mean, bitch spent the entire episode slutting over him. If he’d said no, I’d be feeling some serious second-hand embarrassment for her. Cumwhore Vixen Ekwere Cruella De Vil fucks Toks once more & watching her fake an orgasm makes me never, EVER wanna have sex again. Ick.

This episode was so tediously boring, watching it was a fucking chore. Aargh, you guys, I’m so drained right now, I need a fucking I.V.

Before watching this, I’d just seen an episode of Suits (which is totally killing it this 4th season), Extant (a new show I’m enduring cuz Halle Berry’s in it) & three back-to-back eps of The Leftovers (if you’re not watching this, I hope Cruella De Vil rapes you) & as soon as I play Gidi Up, I’m like “wtf just happened?” who turned down the awesomeness factor?? Feels like the writers decided since we’re throwing a beach party, let’s just screw up the plot.

File this under #Shit WeBeenThrough

Gidi Up Season Two Episode Three Review; More Lube Please

Last week, dumber than Dementia former-photographer-now-fulltime-sidechick Eki put on her blond-est wig & tried to convince us she wasn’t pregnant. It didn’t work; & this week, it still doesn’t.

On the plus side, Obi’s awake!!! with Tok’s in the hospital & Deyemi Okanlawon & O.C Ukeje alone in the same room just makes a bitch wanna steal a strip pole, call up Flavour & Dillish & set up a camera start a bible study group. And just in case you were wandering, Obi calls his wanker “The Obi”. Oh, & something goes wrong with the audio at the 4:14 mark. Aargh.

Pretty good episode if you ask me. Oh wait, there’s more, & as you can imagine things go downhill from here. Yvonne & Paris Hilton Eki attend Sharon’s engagement dinner which is all sorts of awkward considering the fact that Von used to 69 Sharon’s dad.

Can we just take a minute to talk about Kaylah Oniwo’s nasty ass armpit?? Eek. Omg, what in hell’s name?? Thot & two other loud hoes are Sharon’s trannys “girls”. LOL.

Sharon asks Von to join her wedding train & at this point I’m 100% sure that trick’s a dyke. I mean, she’s been ALL OVER Von this entire season, & yes, I know how that sounded. Von says yes, goes off to find the bathroom & somehow ends up in a room with Meka, Sharon’s fiancé who whines about feeling powerless cuz his life feels like its been planned for him. Yikes. #RichPeopleProblems

Von runs into Sharon’s mum briefly, heads upstairs cuz um, yeah she’s still gotta pee & runz into Folarin again. Shoot me. Am I the only one sensing the weird, 50 Shades Of Wrong, creepy sexual tension between these two? Someone throw ’em a bottle of lube already. Trick then storms off with Eki, but refuses to tell her what’s wrong.

The last 4 minutes are of Folarin blackmailing Sharon’s dad into introducing him to his business partners/friends. Apparently, Dilf’s been fucking around more than we imagined.

Something new I learned today: Makida Moka’s ass is so flat, it makes the wall jealous, all she got is a back and legs but I don’t judge 😉

& here’s a shot of Von tryna take a really big sixty-six. You’re welcome 🙂