Tag Archives: mosquitoes

How To Make A Crappy Tv Show; The Gidi Up Edition

You guys, I’m done. I’m officially over Gidi Up.

FYI, Joan Rivers died & I can’t think of a better way to honour mum than by being as blunt as possible. So, I’m just gonna say it, this show sucks. A lot. So much that even Deyemi Okanlawon’s extremely suckable nipples couldn’t save it. There’s just so much BS, dumbass characters & cringeworthy acting, that it’s impossible to get whatever message it’s offering. EVEN WORSE: Makida Moka Robocunt is in it & lawd knows her acting is worse than Tonto Decay’s entire career.

I tried to like this snoozefest, I really did, but after two months of facepalming, sighing & snoozing my way through eight episodes, I’m over it. Yup. Eight episodes. You know you’re done when you bookmarked the latest episodes for two weeks & didn’t get bored enough to play ’em & if you’re one of the many ZERO people looking forward to the finale, I have some bad news — you probably have very poor taste in tv 😦

Why??? Cuz Gidi Up season two is one of the worst tv shows in years, so bad that every other show should be glad it exists, because they look amazing in comparison. Almost every character comes off as entirely stupid, and is just so bland that if it were possible, I’d have ’em all locked up at Briarcliff in the most capable hands of Rev. Sis. Mary Eunice.

This shows central mystery seems to be “to what lengths would people go to make it in Lagos?” An even bigger mystery is why in the world Ndani tv extended it to thirteen half hour episodes this season which is obviously why there’s so much filler and nonsense. It just doesn’t work. At all.

Gidi up brings new meaning to the phrase “lame”. Each episode made me feel like I was being punished for something, maybe for tuning in to watch such a silly show. From the very first episode, it’s been bad. I mean, this is a show whose characters think pregnancy could be malaria, can’t find their g-spots and talk like robots. What could be worse? The fucking unending aerial shots of Lagos. At first it was awesome, then it was nice, then I was like meh, it got lame & then it got waaay too much. Cripes. Overkill.

I’m mostly just sad that O.C Ukeje had to be dragged into this, as he’s obviously wayyy too good for this show & doesn’t deserve to be on a show so poorly-planned, horribly-written, and all-around wacky. Actually, no human does. Well maybe Cruella De Vil & Robocunt.

Let’s play a fun game, one word for each dunce 😀

Eki – Dolt
Sharon – Twant
Yvonne – Ogiri 😀
Monye – What-Are-You-Even-Doing-Here?
Folarin – Christian-Maybe-Grey 🙂
Obi – Candy 🙂
Tokunbo – Chocolate 🙂
Meka – Wo-bo-se-jona-bi-isale-pot 😀
Mo – NO
Sharon’s bridesmaids – Taints

Gidi Up season two = Complete Crapola

It’s finally fall, which means all my favorite shows are back. So, if you need me, I’ll be right here obsessing over Scandal, How To Get Away With Murder, Sleepy Hollow, Modern Family, Brooklyn Nine Nine, Mom, Gotham, New Girl, Awkward & of course, American Horror Story. Oh, & you have NOT lived until you hear Jhené Aiko’s new album.

And yes, I listed ’em all cuz I expect you’ll need some really good tv to rinse out the bitterness Shitty Up leaves in your mouth. You’re welcome.

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Gidi Up Season Two Episode Five Review; Sex, Zzzzz, More Sex

Stop whatever it is you’re doing right now (I’m assuming that just like me, you’re googling “flavour nabania or Phyno or ANY FUCKING Nollywood sextape”) & listen up, because I’ve got some very important news for those of you who still watch this shitshow. Three episodes ago, I told y’all Eki was preggo, now, she knows too. FINALLY! If I start ranting about how painfully dull this trick’s been this season, I’ll never stop. Cripes!

Ok, so Folarin’s in Abuja doing lawd knows what & for everyone else, it’s beach party time! Quick question; what sorta PG 13, lame ass beach party is this? What’s a beach party without a couple of bulging dicks & nip slips?? Only in Lagos. Ugh, I can’t. Ikechukwu guest stars as Mo, & I’m just like meh, whatever man. Von gives Eki relationship advice, don’t worry it made no sense to me either.

Uber-skank, Kaylah Oniwo, Sharon & some ratchet hoebag discuss blended Dick smoothies, I DOZE OFF.

Sharon’s still got no idea Meka’s tryna get in Yvonne’s pants, even after catching ’em in another awkward moment. Geez! What’s it gonna take? A fucking sextape?? Eki & Toks have an awkward run in & the rest of the episode is a slow-mo snoozefest. Meka shows up at Von’s door, AGAIN. Fucking 69 already, you guys. Just do it.

On the plus side, Makida Moka Robocunt fucks Obi, which she totally deserves. I mean, bitch spent the entire episode slutting over him. If he’d said no, I’d be feeling some serious second-hand embarrassment for her. Cumwhore Vixen Ekwere Cruella De Vil fucks Toks once more & watching her fake an orgasm makes me never, EVER wanna have sex again. Ick.

This episode was so tediously boring, watching it was a fucking chore. Aargh, you guys, I’m so drained right now, I need a fucking I.V.

Before watching this, I’d just seen an episode of Suits (which is totally killing it this 4th season), Extant (a new show I’m enduring cuz Halle Berry’s in it) & three back-to-back eps of The Leftovers (if you’re not watching this, I hope Cruella De Vil rapes you) & as soon as I play Gidi Up, I’m like “wtf just happened?” who turned down the awesomeness factor?? Feels like the writers decided since we’re throwing a beach party, let’s just screw up the plot.

File this under #Shit WeBeenThrough

Gidi Up Season Two Episode Four Review; Yvonne Ekwere Can’t Find Her G-Spot

There’s one thing the entire world can agree on, no matter where we come from or how DULL we are or whether we prefer to use “tone”, “brighten” or “bleach” and that thing is that those 15 second GTBank ads before every fucking episode of Gidi Up need to STOP.
ASAP.

Obi’s back at his radio job & I think we all need to take a moment to start a slow-clap for the show runners for dragging his season one co-host, eternal IJGB/fake accent connoisseur Maria Okanrende (DJ Foxy from MTV’s Shuga) out the backdoor & hiring someone else this season. After his show, CougarMaster General, Ireti Doyle’s driver takes him to breakfast. I’ll get to that in a bit.

Sharon & Meka argue over milk( wtf?) & their living arrangement, he asks a couple questions about Yvonne, Sharon smiles, then reads something.Valley girl can’t even see her man is falling for Von. ATTENTION: Note carefully the dining room furniture.

Obi meets Illa (Ireti Doyle), who is GLOWING by the way, for breakfast at a “not-yet-open-to-the-public” hotel. Hmmm. Is it just me, or is this THE EXACT SAME dining table(& room) at which Sharon & Meka just fought over milk?

REALLY??? Gidi Up crew,feel free to explain yourselves now.

Breakfast is as awkward as you’d expect & Illa looks so thirsty the entire time, I was almost certain she’d just strip & hump him till his dick fell off, pause, glue it back on & hump him some more. Sadly, none of that happens.

Yvonne gets to the Von fashion store (yeah, she’s in business with her former Sugar Daddy’s daughter now) where Sharon’s in a meeting with some retail outfit & Ifeanyi Dike Jnr. Hey there, cutie :D. She’s pissed at being left out & demands Sharon includes her in other business meetings.

Oh, & Toks may not meet the deadline for his Techserve Beta testing. There’s also a 25 second power bike scene which I’m yet to make sense of. Airhead Eki makes a sandwich, tells Von Tok’s is drifting away from her, Von tells us her life story, Ugh, so depressing. Someone make IT stop talking.

Ladies & Gents, Dingleberry El Grande, Cruella De Vil, aka Yvonne Vixen Ekwere appears in this episode as Tok’s friend,game buddy & fuck piece a creature who very clearly doesn’t know how to cum or where her G-spot is & I’ve taken the liberty of ordering this hussy a veeeeery special gift. Enjoy hunty 😀

And just cuz I m so extremely nice, I’ll let y’all decide who’s sexy face is funniest; Cruella, Tiwa or Her Royal Awkwardness; Seyi Shay.

Gidi Up Season Two Episode Three Review; More Lube Please

Last week, dumber than Dementia former-photographer-now-fulltime-sidechick Eki put on her blond-est wig & tried to convince us she wasn’t pregnant. It didn’t work; & this week, it still doesn’t.

On the plus side, Obi’s awake!!! with Tok’s in the hospital & Deyemi Okanlawon & O.C Ukeje alone in the same room just makes a bitch wanna steal a strip pole, call up Flavour & Dillish & set up a camera start a bible study group. And just in case you were wandering, Obi calls his wanker “The Obi”. Oh, & something goes wrong with the audio at the 4:14 mark. Aargh.

Pretty good episode if you ask me. Oh wait, there’s more, & as you can imagine things go downhill from here. Yvonne & Paris Hilton Eki attend Sharon’s engagement dinner which is all sorts of awkward considering the fact that Von used to 69 Sharon’s dad.

Can we just take a minute to talk about Kaylah Oniwo’s nasty ass armpit?? Eek. Omg, what in hell’s name?? Thot & two other loud hoes are Sharon’s trannys “girls”. LOL.

Sharon asks Von to join her wedding train & at this point I’m 100% sure that trick’s a dyke. I mean, she’s been ALL OVER Von this entire season, & yes, I know how that sounded. Von says yes, goes off to find the bathroom & somehow ends up in a room with Meka, Sharon’s fiancé who whines about feeling powerless cuz his life feels like its been planned for him. Yikes. #RichPeopleProblems

Von runs into Sharon’s mum briefly, heads upstairs cuz um, yeah she’s still gotta pee & runz into Folarin again. Shoot me. Am I the only one sensing the weird, 50 Shades Of Wrong, creepy sexual tension between these two? Someone throw ’em a bottle of lube already. Trick then storms off with Eki, but refuses to tell her what’s wrong.

The last 4 minutes are of Folarin blackmailing Sharon’s dad into introducing him to his business partners/friends. Apparently, Dilf’s been fucking around more than we imagined.

Something new I learned today: Makida Moka’s ass is so flat, it makes the wall jealous, all she got is a back and legs but I don’t judge 😉

& here’s a shot of Von tryna take a really big sixty-six. You’re welcome 🙂

Is SoundCity’s Dro Ameh Guilty Of Journalistic Fraud?

Wait…so you’re telling me Dro Ameh is a phony faker? Colour me a shit-shade of not surprised! Considering he & something called a Kelvin Luciano once faked AN ENTIRE ASA ALBUM! How do you even do that?

I guess his twitter bio is a shitload of bullshit then. Content develper? Ha! More like content thief. Yep, you guessed it, Dro Ameh is the twant behind areafather.com, He stole not one, but THREE OF MY BLOG POSTS, reproduced them on his without permission & refused to take ’em down.

This “It” works at Soundcity/ SpiceTv owned by Consolidated Media Associates, is 35 years old (I know guys, a 35 year old nutjob, he prolly gon die stupid), is obsessed with some trick named Moet Abebe, lives on Bishop Aboyade Close, VI (I think) & might have the UGLIEST DICK I’ve ever seen. STOP! If you didn’t click that link, go back! Trust me, you NEED 2 see this dick. LOL. The things I find on the internet.

What I find rather shocking is that this same douche contacted me about blogging for it a few weeks before it decided to just steal my shit & just cuz I’m a really nice person, I’m also gonna drop its emails – dro@soundcity.tv, dro.ameh@myspice.tv & mobile no. 08063822578. Do whatever you like with them, guys.

Now Dro honey, I know you’re reading this, so next time, before you steal, ya might wanna try not to leave so much info on the web about you. Finding you was super easy. Or um, you could also just ask for permission? But I guess that’d be too much for your Shitilicious brain to handle.

One more thing, if you’re a blogger feel free to copy n reblog ONLY this post as many times as you can or it might just steal from YOUR BLOG next. I should return to blogging now that I’ve caught the numbskull, but I’m loving me some “me time”. I mean, I’ve missed my spa days n tv series so much! But I’ll be blogging regularly soon cuz um, where else are y’all gonna learn about fucked up TV shows, photoshop disasters, & Genevieve Nnaji’s disastrous life choices if not here?

I know guys, I’m pretty awesome. LOL. I’m kidding. ♥ u guys too.
Xo

50 Shades Of Delusion; The Complete Fashion Mag Edition

Easter came early, you guys! cuz Complete Fashion, a mag that iono who the fuck still reads, is gifting us with its trailblazers knuckleheads edition & man! the delusion on this one is thick.

How perfect is it that Toke is basically photoshopped into the most shapeless mermaid alive, O.C looks lost + high & that alien on the right is supposedly Seyi Shay? This is the most snoozeworthy cover of all time. I mean, it could be a photo of sand on that cover & there’d be no difference.

While you’re still tryna get how Seyi Shay & Toke are trailblazers, let me direct you to the inner cover on which Sean Tizzle, Kach, Emma Nyra, B-Red & Beverly Naya are listed as “The Ones to Watch”

Where do I even start?
Sean Tizzle? Really, someone wants us to watch the scarier, shorter, less talented but more shapeless version of Davido? I’ll pass.
Kach; what are you???
Emma Nyra – Iyanya’s maid? No, thank you.
B-Red; um, who?
Beverly Naya; ok guys, I’m actually with CF mag on this, we should totally watch out for that awkwardly bent neck before it snaps & her head rolls into obscurity.

Whoever is responsible for this magazzzzzine deserves a high five, in the face, with a stool. ASAP! On second thought, make that a dozen stools.

10 Stupidest First Tweets Of Your Favorite Nollysluts

Twitter’s eight people! Although most of us have only been on it for a few years. Twitter just introduced a new tool, First Tweet, with which you can see anybody’s first tweet EVER. Yours, your boo’s, your bff’s or your frienemie’s. And YES, you can find celebrities’ first tweets too!

WARNING! Do NOT click this link or you’ll be useless for the next few days, stalking the first tweet of everyone you know. Being the benevolent angel that I am, I’ve compiled the first tweets of some of our favorite nollysluts. You’re welcome.

LOL. You? A covenant with God? Stop it, my tummy hurts.

Duh!

You guys, I give up, this trick has been partying for so long, its just pointless to try to make her quit now. TOO LATE

Nigga, how hard can it possibly be to navigate Uti’s butt twitter?

Me too hun, still tryna figure out watchu been doing with yo life since Ije, 2010

I hate to break it to ya, but it’s probably the same traffic your career has been in for a decade now.

I’ll be right here hun, listening to my music & watching you make questionable life choices.

LOL, exactly what you’ve achieved in the past five years

Good for you,J, now if only you’d learn how to actually ACT

WTF are you typing? What is this? Twitter for toddlers?