Tag Archives: nollysluts

How To Make A Crappy Tv Show; The Gidi Up Edition

You guys, I’m done. I’m officially over Gidi Up.

FYI, Joan Rivers died & I can’t think of a better way to honour mum than by being as blunt as possible. So, I’m just gonna say it, this show sucks. A lot. So much that even Deyemi Okanlawon’s extremely suckable nipples couldn’t save it. There’s just so much BS, dumbass characters & cringeworthy acting, that it’s impossible to get whatever message it’s offering. EVEN WORSE: Makida Moka Robocunt is in it & lawd knows her acting is worse than Tonto Decay’s entire career.

I tried to like this snoozefest, I really did, but after two months of facepalming, sighing & snoozing my way through eight episodes, I’m over it. Yup. Eight episodes. You know you’re done when you bookmarked the latest episodes for two weeks & didn’t get bored enough to play ’em & if you’re one of the many ZERO people looking forward to the finale, I have some bad news — you probably have very poor taste in tv 😦

Why??? Cuz Gidi Up season two is one of the worst tv shows in years, so bad that every other show should be glad it exists, because they look amazing in comparison. Almost every character comes off as entirely stupid, and is just so bland that if it were possible, I’d have ’em all locked up at Briarcliff in the most capable hands of Rev. Sis. Mary Eunice.

This shows central mystery seems to be “to what lengths would people go to make it in Lagos?” An even bigger mystery is why in the world Ndani tv extended it to thirteen half hour episodes this season which is obviously why there’s so much filler and nonsense. It just doesn’t work. At all.

Gidi up brings new meaning to the phrase “lame”. Each episode made me feel like I was being punished for something, maybe for tuning in to watch such a silly show. From the very first episode, it’s been bad. I mean, this is a show whose characters think pregnancy could be malaria, can’t find their g-spots and talk like robots. What could be worse? The fucking unending aerial shots of Lagos. At first it was awesome, then it was nice, then I was like meh, it got lame & then it got waaay too much. Cripes. Overkill.

I’m mostly just sad that O.C Ukeje had to be dragged into this, as he’s obviously wayyy too good for this show & doesn’t deserve to be on a show so poorly-planned, horribly-written, and all-around wacky. Actually, no human does. Well maybe Cruella De Vil & Robocunt.

Let’s play a fun game, one word for each dunce 😀

Eki – Dolt
Sharon – Twant
Yvonne – Ogiri 😀
Monye – What-Are-You-Even-Doing-Here?
Folarin – Christian-Maybe-Grey 🙂
Obi – Candy 🙂
Tokunbo – Chocolate 🙂
Meka – Wo-bo-se-jona-bi-isale-pot 😀
Mo – NO
Sharon’s bridesmaids – Taints

Gidi Up season two = Complete Crapola

It’s finally fall, which means all my favorite shows are back. So, if you need me, I’ll be right here obsessing over Scandal, How To Get Away With Murder, Sleepy Hollow, Modern Family, Brooklyn Nine Nine, Mom, Gotham, New Girl, Awkward & of course, American Horror Story. Oh, & you have NOT lived until you hear Jhené Aiko’s new album.

And yes, I listed ’em all cuz I expect you’ll need some really good tv to rinse out the bitterness Shitty Up leaves in your mouth. You’re welcome.

Gidi Up Season Two Episode Eight Review; Makida Moka Vs Lilian Bach

Guys, we need to talk about Makida Moka. I’ve kept silent about this issue for way too long, but it’s time to address it. It’s been pretty clear for a while now that hunty’s on the road to becoming the next Lilian Bach (aka the worst actress in the entire fucking universe), but I didn’t know we would have to go through so many disturbing scenes of her on this show. Take, for example, the godawful scene with her & Von this week, I’ve NEVER in all my life seen so much fuckery ooze from one person. It is astounding.

In case you’ve been living under a rock or one of Cossy Hoejiakor’s ginormous hooters, Tok’s been tryna make Eki get rid of the baby so he can ditch her lame ass & be with Cruella De Vil full time. Tool doesn’t know this & agrees, Jerk doesn’t show for their 1pm abortion, nails his beta testing instead. Dumb bitch goes in alone.

Folarin runs into Sharon at a restaurant & tries to bone her, thankfully the background noise isn’t as horrible as that wacky café scene from episode two. Obi’s still tryna shag HBIC & there’s an EFCC ad thrown in there for apparently no reason. He goes to deliver cupcakes to Illa & finds her plotting with some men to kill someone, Folarin scares him off, Illa gets her cupcakes & I need to point out something real quick.

I may be going nuts, but I’m pretty sure there’s a HUGE continuity error in this scene. Folarin hands Illa the box of cupcakes & she opens it. In one shot, the open side of the box is facing her & she takes a cupcake, in the very next shot, that same open side is turned away from her while she takes the same cupcake & in the third shot, its facing her again.
RUFKM???

I want you guys to remember exactly where you are right now, because this is potentially the moment when the entire Meka & Von affair gets blown wide open. I’ve been hard on numbskull Sharon for ignoring the obvious signs, but today, she surprised me. Bitch got smart! (I know, I never thought I’d type that either) & found a couple of flirty texts on Meka’s phone at dinner & I’m as excited as you are to see where this goes.

Some dude whose presence makes absolutely zero sense sings.

Eki wakes up to find Tok’s by her bed, apparently she hates him now, he’s driving her home, she suddenly realizes she needs time & space away from him, (boo, iono about Toks but I’m sure we can all agree we need time, space & centuries away from you as well, thank you 🙂 ) gets out of the car & walks home in the rain.

After a million months of enduring it, this fuckfest is FINALLY OVER! (well at least till September) High Five, bitches! If you made it through all eight episodes, congratulations & don’t forget to treat yourself to some actually good TV while we wait.

Hip Hip Whore-ay!

Gidi Up Season Two Episode Seven Review; Rape, Sextapes And Bubble Butts

Ladies! You should remove the tip of your tongue from your screen now. Your co-workers are staring. Actually, fuck ‘em, don’t let them keep your tongue from “the Obi’s” ass. It’s heavenly. Is he wearing push-up panties, because his ass is so high that it looks like it’s worshiping the gods. No wonder Illa wants to surgically attach her tongue to his body. Excuse me while I text Ireti Doyle with, “I HATE YOU I HATE I HATE YOU,” cuz she gets to tap that ass & I don’t 😦

Von & Meka are super weird around each other & so help me, if Sharon doesn’t figure out Meka’s gross, cringe-worthy lust for Von soon, I’ll tie that ditz down & pound her repeatedly with a pestle, until it sinks in. Dumbfuck. Obi, his boss/pimp/manager (that trick with the bum bitch IJGB accent) & some dude try to fix the date gone wrong scandal from last week.

In case y’all didn’t already know, Tok’s will NOT make his Beta Testing deadline cuz all he does now is mope around, act sad & grumble. Cripes. How long till Eki dies? That hussy is depressing not just me, but every other character.

A very funny thing happens next. So Obi’s cruising around town in the SUV Illa got him & comes across some trick with a broke-down ride waiting for her mechanic. Remember HBIC from episode 1? Yup, the same trick. He offers a ride, she refuses. He’s about to drive off & turns on the A.C, she screams Wait!, gets in, they go to some restaurant & talk & then Maddy manages to sum up my feelings about Gidi Up in one sentence.

“Everytime I see it on TV, I’m like, Ugh. Pffft. Shoot me already”

& I could not agree more.

Sharon & Von argue over clientele. Meka supports Von, DUH, Sharon leaves. Von offers Meka her pussy pizza, the gentleman declines, she begs him to eat her pussy pizza, he tastes it, she asks a few silly questions, they fight, she grabs him, they make out & Damn! It’s exactly as I imagined. GROSS. & OMG you guys, all I hear is squeak, squeak, squeak. Are two adults kissing or did someone let loose a jillion mice?? Eww. If that’s what kisses sound like, the rest of us have been doing it wrong our entire lives.

Monye (Makida Moka) & some trollop who’s name I can’t be bothered with attend a party, get drugged & Holy Crap! Makida Moka acting high is the worst thing I’ve seen in my entire fucking life, & just so you know, I sat through all 03:32 mins of Ms. Croaky’s Wanted Video, but this beats it hands down. Actually, make that second worst, there is absolutely nothing worse than this. You’re welcome.

Obi shows up, carries her to the car, goes back for the trollop-who’s-name-I-can’t-be-bothered-with & well, it seems she’s on her way to becoming the next Kim Fartrashian. Bitch got gang raped + videotaped. Oopsie.

Hmmm. This is tricky. On one hand, I’m obviously against rape, but on the other hand, y’all know I’ve been wanting a Nollywood sextape since forever + I feel any cunt who says shit like “I don’t mean to sound shallow, but, like he drives a Range Rover”( hunty, u ain’t shallow, you’re empty) deserves to get flogged; with a whip, dick, pestle, ion really care, long as she gets punished. So, it is what it is.

Eki? I did NOT see Negative Nancy in this episode. Simply skipped every scene IT was in, & now that this is over, I’d like to officially invite y’all to join me in imagining what it’d be like to be the beads of sweat on Flavour’s nuts run around topless in the sun, playing with that lovely dog.

Gidi Up Season Two Episode Six Review; RIP Eki

You know what, you guys? Last week’s episode was a total snooze-o-rama. I don’t know about you but I’m still reeling from the sheer amount of dumbassery I got hit with in just twenty minutes. So let me be the first to thank the writers for that awesome five minute intro with Toks & Obi cuz lawd knows I needed a distraction from all the idiocy last week.

Obi rapes Illa on the phone, Tok’s talks about techserve, they talk Eki, hookups & money. Makida Moka Robocunt walks in & thankfully doesn’t give us the deets on the I’m-not-sure-but-I’ll-bet-my-firstborn-it-most-definitely-was boring ass sex she & Obi had last night.

Von’s got a customer, Eki mopes around Vone HQ, Ifeanyi Dike speaks & 9,958,896,084,842,752,752 is approximately the number of ovaries that explode whenever he speaks :), Sharon struts in, says some BS & leaves. SIDE NOTE; If I ever have to watch another 30 seconds of Eki crying, I will physically harm myself.

Iono about y’all, but I’ve tried super hard, I just can’t come up with a reason for Folarin’s continued existence on this show. The writers better have a mind blowing revelation about him ahead to justify the unnecessary scenes he’s in every other week. Jide Kosoko guest stars & is A+mazing as always.

Obi’s on air with Wana & you guys, I heard this unreal GBAGAUN on the show. Someone calls in & goes;
Caller- Uche here, we met at Mo’s party a few weeks ago.
Wana- Uche what’s the gist? Any dirt?
Caller- Of course “I do”

I DIE.

Bruh, she didn’t ask “Got any dirt?” she asked “Any dirt?” What’s the “I do” for?? I know I’ve asked this a jillion times, but “Who or What the fuck is responsible for the wacky dialogue on this show???”

Numbskull Uche & Wana bully Obi into a date with a random caller. Von’s closing up at her store & Meka literally runs into her. Oh My Fucking Goodness, how long till these two just bone? Feel free to nap while I sum up this scene. They fall, they laugh, he helps her up, they laugh again, he tries to kiss her, tart says she can’t betray Sharon, Meka gives a BS speech about love, she says no, he leaves.

Obi can’t borrow Tok’s Range for his date & takes a smaller car, picks up his faker-than-Venita Akpofure’s $10,000 butt implants date, Temi, whose sing-song accent + shrill voice will dry up your vagina. Bitch hates the small, non-a.c car, calls a friend, gets off & takes a pic to show everyone how lame Obi is, then mocks him.

In the final scene, Toks tells Eki to get an abortion & I really hope she listens, dies doing it & gets tossed in the ocean. Fucking useless character. If this really happens, may I just say I’m looking forward to many Eki-less moments in the near future. If nothing else, the show’s at least gonna get fewer wtf weeping scenes & move along much faster.

How I feel about this episode?

Gidi Up Season Two Episode Five Review; Sex, Zzzzz, More Sex

Stop whatever it is you’re doing right now (I’m assuming that just like me, you’re googling “flavour nabania or Phyno or ANY FUCKING Nollywood sextape”) & listen up, because I’ve got some very important news for those of you who still watch this shitshow. Three episodes ago, I told y’all Eki was preggo, now, she knows too. FINALLY! If I start ranting about how painfully dull this trick’s been this season, I’ll never stop. Cripes!

Ok, so Folarin’s in Abuja doing lawd knows what & for everyone else, it’s beach party time! Quick question; what sorta PG 13, lame ass beach party is this? What’s a beach party without a couple of bulging dicks & nip slips?? Only in Lagos. Ugh, I can’t. Ikechukwu guest stars as Mo, & I’m just like meh, whatever man. Von gives Eki relationship advice, don’t worry it made no sense to me either.

Uber-skank, Kaylah Oniwo, Sharon & some ratchet hoebag discuss blended Dick smoothies, I DOZE OFF.

Sharon’s still got no idea Meka’s tryna get in Yvonne’s pants, even after catching ’em in another awkward moment. Geez! What’s it gonna take? A fucking sextape?? Eki & Toks have an awkward run in & the rest of the episode is a slow-mo snoozefest. Meka shows up at Von’s door, AGAIN. Fucking 69 already, you guys. Just do it.

On the plus side, Makida Moka Robocunt fucks Obi, which she totally deserves. I mean, bitch spent the entire episode slutting over him. If he’d said no, I’d be feeling some serious second-hand embarrassment for her. Cumwhore Vixen Ekwere Cruella De Vil fucks Toks once more & watching her fake an orgasm makes me never, EVER wanna have sex again. Ick.

This episode was so tediously boring, watching it was a fucking chore. Aargh, you guys, I’m so drained right now, I need a fucking I.V.

Before watching this, I’d just seen an episode of Suits (which is totally killing it this 4th season), Extant (a new show I’m enduring cuz Halle Berry’s in it) & three back-to-back eps of The Leftovers (if you’re not watching this, I hope Cruella De Vil rapes you) & as soon as I play Gidi Up, I’m like “wtf just happened?” who turned down the awesomeness factor?? Feels like the writers decided since we’re throwing a beach party, let’s just screw up the plot.

File this under #Shit WeBeenThrough

Gidi Up Season Two Episode Four Review; Yvonne Ekwere Can’t Find Her G-Spot

There’s one thing the entire world can agree on, no matter where we come from or how DULL we are or whether we prefer to use “tone”, “brighten” or “bleach” and that thing is that those 15 second GTBank ads before every fucking episode of Gidi Up need to STOP.
ASAP.

Obi’s back at his radio job & I think we all need to take a moment to start a slow-clap for the show runners for dragging his season one co-host, eternal IJGB/fake accent connoisseur Maria Okanrende (DJ Foxy from MTV’s Shuga) out the backdoor & hiring someone else this season. After his show, CougarMaster General, Ireti Doyle’s driver takes him to breakfast. I’ll get to that in a bit.

Sharon & Meka argue over milk( wtf?) & their living arrangement, he asks a couple questions about Yvonne, Sharon smiles, then reads something.Valley girl can’t even see her man is falling for Von. ATTENTION: Note carefully the dining room furniture.

Obi meets Illa (Ireti Doyle), who is GLOWING by the way, for breakfast at a “not-yet-open-to-the-public” hotel. Hmmm. Is it just me, or is this THE EXACT SAME dining table(& room) at which Sharon & Meka just fought over milk?

REALLY??? Gidi Up crew,feel free to explain yourselves now.

Breakfast is as awkward as you’d expect & Illa looks so thirsty the entire time, I was almost certain she’d just strip & hump him till his dick fell off, pause, glue it back on & hump him some more. Sadly, none of that happens.

Yvonne gets to the Von fashion store (yeah, she’s in business with her former Sugar Daddy’s daughter now) where Sharon’s in a meeting with some retail outfit & Ifeanyi Dike Jnr. Hey there, cutie :D. She’s pissed at being left out & demands Sharon includes her in other business meetings.

Oh, & Toks may not meet the deadline for his Techserve Beta testing. There’s also a 25 second power bike scene which I’m yet to make sense of. Airhead Eki makes a sandwich, tells Von Tok’s is drifting away from her, Von tells us her life story, Ugh, so depressing. Someone make IT stop talking.

Ladies & Gents, Dingleberry El Grande, Cruella De Vil, aka Yvonne Vixen Ekwere appears in this episode as Tok’s friend,game buddy & fuck piece a creature who very clearly doesn’t know how to cum or where her G-spot is & I’ve taken the liberty of ordering this hussy a veeeeery special gift. Enjoy hunty 😀

And just cuz I m so extremely nice, I’ll let y’all decide who’s sexy face is funniest; Cruella, Tiwa or Her Royal Awkwardness; Seyi Shay.

Gidi Up Season Two Episode Three Review; More Lube Please

Last week, dumber than Dementia former-photographer-now-fulltime-sidechick Eki put on her blond-est wig & tried to convince us she wasn’t pregnant. It didn’t work; & this week, it still doesn’t.

On the plus side, Obi’s awake!!! with Tok’s in the hospital & Deyemi Okanlawon & O.C Ukeje alone in the same room just makes a bitch wanna steal a strip pole, call up Flavour & Dillish & set up a camera start a bible study group. And just in case you were wandering, Obi calls his wanker “The Obi”. Oh, & something goes wrong with the audio at the 4:14 mark. Aargh.

Pretty good episode if you ask me. Oh wait, there’s more, & as you can imagine things go downhill from here. Yvonne & Paris Hilton Eki attend Sharon’s engagement dinner which is all sorts of awkward considering the fact that Von used to 69 Sharon’s dad.

Can we just take a minute to talk about Kaylah Oniwo’s nasty ass armpit?? Eek. Omg, what in hell’s name?? Thot & two other loud hoes are Sharon’s trannys “girls”. LOL.

Sharon asks Von to join her wedding train & at this point I’m 100% sure that trick’s a dyke. I mean, she’s been ALL OVER Von this entire season, & yes, I know how that sounded. Von says yes, goes off to find the bathroom & somehow ends up in a room with Meka, Sharon’s fiancé who whines about feeling powerless cuz his life feels like its been planned for him. Yikes. #RichPeopleProblems

Von runs into Sharon’s mum briefly, heads upstairs cuz um, yeah she’s still gotta pee & runz into Folarin again. Shoot me. Am I the only one sensing the weird, 50 Shades Of Wrong, creepy sexual tension between these two? Someone throw ’em a bottle of lube already. Trick then storms off with Eki, but refuses to tell her what’s wrong.

The last 4 minutes are of Folarin blackmailing Sharon’s dad into introducing him to his business partners/friends. Apparently, Dilf’s been fucking around more than we imagined.

Something new I learned today: Makida Moka’s ass is so flat, it makes the wall jealous, all she got is a back and legs but I don’t judge 😉

& here’s a shot of Von tryna take a really big sixty-six. You’re welcome 🙂