Tag Archives: toke makinwa

50 Shades Of Delusion; The Complete Fashion Mag Edition

Easter came early, you guys! cuz Complete Fashion, a mag that iono who the fuck still reads, is gifting us with its trailblazers knuckleheads edition & man! the delusion on this one is thick.

How perfect is it that Toke is basically photoshopped into the most shapeless mermaid alive, O.C looks lost + high & that alien on the right is supposedly Seyi Shay? This is the most snoozeworthy cover of all time. I mean, it could be a photo of sand on that cover & there’d be no difference.

While you’re still tryna get how Seyi Shay & Toke are trailblazers, let me direct you to the inner cover on which Sean Tizzle, Kach, Emma Nyra, B-Red & Beverly Naya are listed as “The Ones to Watch”

Where do I even start?
Sean Tizzle? Really, someone wants us to watch the scarier, shorter, less talented but more shapeless version of Davido? I’ll pass.
Kach; what are you???
Emma Nyra – Iyanya’s maid? No, thank you.
B-Red; um, who?
Beverly Naya; ok guys, I’m actually with CF mag on this, we should totally watch out for that awkwardly bent neck before it snaps & her head rolls into obscurity.

Whoever is responsible for this magazzzzzine deserves a high five, in the face, with a stool. ASAP! On second thought, make that a dozen stools.

10 Stupidest First Tweets Of Your Favorite Nollysluts

Twitter’s eight people! Although most of us have only been on it for a few years. Twitter just introduced a new tool, First Tweet, with which you can see anybody’s first tweet EVER. Yours, your boo’s, your bff’s or your frienemie’s. And YES, you can find celebrities’ first tweets too!

WARNING! Do NOT click this link or you’ll be useless for the next few days, stalking the first tweet of everyone you know. Being the benevolent angel that I am, I’ve compiled the first tweets of some of our favorite nollysluts. You’re welcome.

LOL. You? A covenant with God? Stop it, my tummy hurts.

Duh!

You guys, I give up, this trick has been partying for so long, its just pointless to try to make her quit now. TOO LATE

Nigga, how hard can it possibly be to navigate Uti’s butt twitter?

Me too hun, still tryna figure out watchu been doing with yo life since Ije, 2010

I hate to break it to ya, but it’s probably the same traffic your career has been in for a decade now.

I’ll be right here hun, listening to my music & watching you make questionable life choices.

LOL, exactly what you’ve achieved in the past five years

Good for you,J, now if only you’d learn how to actually ACT

WTF are you typing? What is this? Twitter for toddlers?

Ghost Queen, Pela Okiemute Says He Has A Girlfriend, Fails To Convince Me She’s Real

I usually try not to get offended by the “celebrity” shit that I hear daily, but I’m just getting word that Pela Okiemute is insisting he has a girlfriend, and I just want to know what the hell kinda fools he thinks we are.
This nutjob isn’t just saying he’s got a girl, he claims to have been dating her for three years now. I just gotta ask, what sorta fucked up bitch stays with a guy & watches him transform from black to brown to caramel to orange to yellow to white to Off white to faded in three years? (feel free to add any shade I might’ve missed)
Why are we just hearing about her now, only after a certain law has been passed?
I don’t mean to scare y’all or anything, but I just gotta point out that in under two months, four “connected” guys have all suddenly fallen in love. First, it was Uti, next Alexx, then our “metro sexuality guy” Prince & now this parasite. How long till Infantata (Denrele) goes crazy & starts dating Dementia?
And, just in case you’re wondering, this shit went down on Toke’s TRENDING snoozefest. We ALL oughta slow clap for the cinematographer who recorded that, I mean, how did he not instantly go blind as a bat with all the “heavenly whiteness” radiating in that room? Toke & Pela in one room?? I’m surprised those studios didn’t explode from the sheer intensity of the fumes emanating from these two stunt queens.
I’m just gonna leave this picture below of Ghost Queen & the “girlfriend” I suspect he’s referring to. Yeah, I still don’t believe the bottom bitch in this picture fucked that baby into that tricky White Witch, Toyin Lawani. Nice try guys, but I ain’t buying it.

The Photoshop Awards; Toke Makina For TW Magazine

After seeing the Rita Dominic & Toolz photoshop debacles, I did not think it could get worse. Leave it to TW magazine to surprise us in ways we did NOT need. TW mag says that ghost on the cover is supposedly Toke Makinwa, I say bullshit.
As unbelievable as it sounds, Toke’s TW mag cover might actually be faker than she is!
First, we’ve got her deadbeat, not muscular, fitness expert accessory, Maje giving us black Shrek vibes, then there’s those shoes. Lawd! Those awful, awful shoes. And finally, its Toke herself rocking her granny’s favorite shower curtain & that godawful sawdust hair.
I’ve got a million questions, but I’ll ask the most important, Why aren’t those real rocks so these two can fall of the face of the earth for good? Why??
You’d think this was bad enough, but no, TW mag just had to photoshop the emotions out of their faces & suck the life right out of their eyes, leaving these two zombie-ogre hybrids on the cover.
The only real thing about this cover is the terror on that puppy’s face. I’d be that petrified too, if the Queen of death eaters held me in her laps & smiled. You can almost hear it screaming for help. Who’s idea was it anyway to shoot this super shitty cover with these two? What were you high on? Shitilicious?

Stars In Rags; The Waje Live And Unplugged Edition

1. Let me introduce y’all to the true star of this event; that nicely curved thing “standing” between Bez & Gbemi
2. Moet Abebe- Hun, you will NEVER have a flat tummy, no matter how hard you hold your breath. So, just breathe you adorable female wrestler.
3. Olisa Adibua- Fugliest jeans ever!
4. Waje- Those legs. Ugh
5. Bez- Time to hit the gym?
6. Moses- Um, who let the apes out?
7. Toke- Your face still scares me.
8. Andrea- LOL. Stunning mop you got on your head hun. That hair colour? Really??
9. Why are you wearing your granny’s shower curtain?
10. I just had to post this, there’s way too much fuckery going on here for me to ignore.

Stars In Rags; The House Of Nwocha Shitshow Edition

1. Hey there, I’m IK, king of awkwardness & this is Juliet & together we’ll be making some of the CRAPPIEST MUSIC YOU’LL EVER HERE
2. Ugh, you again? Give up the crown already.
3. Your face scares me.
4. Awesome table cloth boo, really cute.
5. There are not enough words to describe how horrible this is.
6. Twice as trashy.
7. Is that an elastic waistband? Why can I see the outline of your underwear?? Why are you doing this to us???